I got tired of limbo. Didn't feel like fighting with my wife for ages to get her to move out, since it would take months. I'm going to be paying for everything (she does contribute all of her meager salary), but she'll be staying in the house. Our daughters will split time at both places once I get the bachelor pad set up to handle two youngsters.
W was basically wanting to fake a marriage (including having sex with me when I wanted) but didn't want to work on the marriage at all. Just live together... Not really my cup of tea. So I move out on the 6th into a pretty nice apt. complex.
Yeah I agree PH. I moved out in my fisrt M, but I still cut the grass and took care of the house. One day after cutting the grass I was showering and she came in and had sex with me. It was humilitating after wards as I called it making love and she just laughed and said no way!
Do you want to stay and force her out? It is your house!
What you said "quit worrying about detaching nonsense" is the absolute best advice I have read yet on this forum of pain, loss, hope and rebirth.
There is NO set one size fits all formula. We each have to take each day as it comes and deal with it.And by "deal with it", I mean deal with the tears, the rage, the wanting to scream, the whatever "it" is , in PRIVATE. Away from the WAS, away from the kids, away from family and friends. The reality is we are alone with our thoughts, feelings, distrust, anger, etc and only WE can put it all into a proper perspective.
PH, I'm somewhat on board with Atossup. I'm in the same spot requiring two incomes to carry the mortgage which is underwater.
When W dropped the bomb on me, I insisted she leave. She wanted to rent a small place for us to alternate weekends in while the kids stayed in the house full time.
Though we're nowhere close to reconciling, she needed the space to do whatever she's doing with OM and I didn't need to see the evidence in my home. Her decision, her move. She wants space, she needs to go get it so she can truly experience life away from you the way she thinks it will be. This was tough for me because I couldn't keep tabs, see her, etc. But it really helps to work on detaching; despite the fact that its crushing us financially.
I still do family time. While I'd like to limit time with W, I don't want to sacrifice time with my kids. So I see her almost daily with sporting events and dance classes, my method of detachment is avoiding R talk and limiting conversation to the kids. Create your boundaries and stick with them.
Best of luck
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
FB2, is the custody/parenting schedule something that I can draft and just have her sign? We're really trying not to make any legal arrangements out of this separation, and I'd hate to go to the mattresses right away. She's been really clear that this isn't by any means a permanent thing. Wanting to keep me wriggling right on the hook...
Looks like she's calling the shots not you!?
"no-fault" in theory would divide the kids time and property in half. However courts have broad latitude to do what's "in the best interests of the children". If you move out to your nice small 2 bedroom apt. while W has free reign of the house and the kids spend most of the time with her and nothing is in writing guess what could happen when/if D happens a few months down the road and W has worked up her anger? You will most likely NOT be able to move back into your house, you may not see your kids as much, you will have to pay W a huge sum every month in child support and alimony to compensate for her meager income so she can continue to pay the mortgage and other monthly expenses. Why? Because all this could be seen as "in the best interests of the children" and there's proof that you are able to pay up as you're already doing it. I'm not saying all this will happen but it certainly could given what you seem to be doing.
IMO: consult a very sharp lawyer for an hour or so quietly by yourself well BEFORE Nov6 and stay 3 steps ahead of your W.
I agree 100% with FB2. Please talk to a lawyer as soon as you can BEFORE you agree to move out.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
No, I'm calling the shots for me. I've decided to move out instead of living with her in a pseudo-marriage. She'd be content to stay together for two years until our debt is paid off.
I think her statements about this not being permanent, that leases could be broken, that we're not doing anything legal, are just probes at me to see how serious I am. Instead of agreeing with her, I probably should have said I have no plans to break the lease.
Now it might be a mistake for me to move out, not from a legal (abandonment) sense, but from a DB sense. She gets to stay nice and comfy in our marital house, with no real disruption other than having to cook dinner for the girls 3-4 nights a week, and also having to do everything with maintaining the house: laundry, shopping, etc.
Just my perception... I think it's difficult for you to set DBing aside and see this objectively. She is clearly holding on to the material security and you are facilitating it in the hope she turns around. She could and probably would dump you any time since she has already checked out emotionally. All it would take is an OM or talking with a friend or family about you're not being there for her, etc. and then she'll be going legal on you. You need to look out for YOU and the kids.
