I've been in the same position. I've received 3 or 4 e-mails ( E-MAILS!!)from my H telling me he "was done," and we needed to "end this." The last e-mail was in March when he told me I needed to hire a L to handle the paperwork for OUR D. Each e-mail was like a knife to the heart. We've been together for 30 years, married for 24. He has been out of our home for over 2 years - but we are still married, and I still count the years.
Each time I reacted very emotionally. I responded the first time with an in-person visit (the first one came when he was still in our home and was a COMPLETE shock), the others via e-mail with all of the emotion that they stirred up. It felt good temporarily, but did nothing to change his mind. My best advice would be not to react, if possible. Write your response or responses, print them and destroy them. Do not let him see your emotion. He does not deserve that now, and it will do nothing but reinforce his decision.
I agree, do not help him. YES, hire your own L. Be prepared, but you do not have to do this for him.
I did hire a L. I gave her a big fat retainer check with instructions that she was not to initiate anything. She would not be filing (I will not be filing) OUR divorce - that is up to him. This will be his D when he is ready to do the work. He contacted her in April (asked what he needed to send her to get this done) and he was told that he was to submit his proposal to her. She is still waiting for something from him.
I'm living my life as if he was gone (and he IS out of MY life - our M is dead), although with 3 kids in the home it is impossible to REALLY live that way. He is still very much involved with the kids and DEMANDS equal time with them. He is and always has been a great father - but there is added emotion when faced daily with the reality that he is DONE with me and our M - but not with the family that we built together - or at least our children. The FAMILY we had has been broken. I now have a new sense of FAMILY, and do my best to instill that and LIVE that way with my children.
THIS is his decision. HE is the one that is giving up on your M. For as long as it is healthy for you to do so, let him proceed and live with his decision. LIVE for you and your family. Let this be about a time for YOU. Hire a L. Let the L handle all that is legal.
It is easy to say, but hard to actually just let it all go (BOY do I know that!!!!), move forward and accept what is happening, but that is what you must do now. Come here for support. Find friends and or family that will offer support without telling you what you should or shouldn't do. Find a counsellor or therapist to help you through if you need to - but LIVE for you. Your life can not be about living for your M and your dream of what your life would be at this point. It must be about YOU now.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
