Always and Forever??????

[irishblessings]

So friends - this morning I awoke to this message from H. 28 years of love, care and commitment come down to one email sent to my work address:

I met with a lawyer Friday,to begin the process of filing for divorce. She needs to send you notification. She could send it to you via certified mail at work or at home. She did say that it could be sent to your lawyer if you have hired one and you could pick it up that way... Please let me know which way you think would be best and I will ask her to get it to you that way.

Can I set up a time to get some things from the house. I have tried to put together a list below to use as a reference point...

S's Scrapbook things from last year that I accumulated
Any tapes or DVDs that are mine
A matress, box springs and frame
Chest of Drawers
One or two Pots/Pans
Old Computer, Monitor, cables, mouse, keypad that was in the garage
Paperwork from file cabinets specific to Me
Memorabilia - Tropies, College Letters, College Sign, Pictures
Senior Pictures of the Ds
Pictures of kids, and my side of family
Basic Tools - Hammer, Screwdrivers,
Any remaining clothes of mine
Anything obviously mine that I have not mentioned

I have put in my 2 weeks notice to live and work at hotel and will be moving into to friends by Sunday, November 7th.

I asked S if he thought he and I could get together a night or two this week and he said he we probably could...

I am sorry for all the pain I have caused and continue to cause as a result of my choices and decisions... I do want to help the kids get through it any way I can...talking to them, helping pay for them to go to counseling... and hope you find a way to be OK though it all as well...

My new thread title is a tribute to our wedding song. I feel defeated, humiliated, discounted, and exhausted. I don't know how or if to respond to this. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated!

[dolphin_05]

Irish, I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I can feel the pain that this would be causing. I am sending you prayers and wishes for peace.

Cas

[Sanderika]

Hello Irish,

I know first hand exactly the emotions you are feeling and this experience is beyond understanding.

IMO, do not do anything. No response is necessary. After all, what is there to say right now?

Let your H file his papers, be served. Get a lawyer (if you do not already have one picked out, if you do retain their services) once you see the papers.

In regards to H's belongings, do not help him. Let him come to you to get them. Make him do the work if he really wants them.
However, do not try and stop him if he schedules a time that works for you. Do not let him in the house without your watching him. When he leaves ask for his keys.

Remember, a divorce takes time (in most states). Time is on your side and it isn't over til it's over.

I am sorry you are feeling and going through this experience.

(((Irish)))

Sanderika

[punkin]

Sanderika is absolutely right. Just because he 'threw it out there in the open' doesn't mean it's over. Let him do the leg work. You take the time to do some exploring as to who you want as a lawyer, if that is what it comes to.

Irish, I am so sorry you are going through this. Roller Coaster doesn't begin to describe your last few weeks. Mega Coaster, maybe. Just remember, I was served in April. I'm still here and hanging on. He may be performing an action because of a dare or a taunt, who knows with these guys. Wait until Winter and dare him to stick his tongue to a flagpole, see if he goes for it.

Hugs and prayers are with you today.

[dolphin_05]

And Irish my H has talked divorce on and off for 3 years and still nothing has happened!

[Truegritter]

Irish a confused person doesn't make rational decisions...

He is reaching for what he thinks will make him happy.

He is looking outside himslef for answers and he sees YOU standing in the way.

THAT is not your fault.

He won't find those answers until he looks inward.

His choices are not a reflection of you or your M.

Or the value of either.

They are the reflection of his inner turmoil.

Try to remember that...

So the thing you most feared is happening.

AND

You are still here and OK and will get better.

You can do this Irish.

[cat04]

Irish,

Please read what I posted on Seeking Answers new thread.

[courageous wife]

(((IB)))

I just read what Cat posted on SA's thread...

I think that we, the LBS, thinks in our minds that a D is the final straw. That once that happens our M is over for good.

As Cat says, our OLD M IS over...for good...D or no D...

Protect yourself...take care of yourself


Talk to an L...make copies of all your joint paperwork (tax forms, retirement etc.)

[ericmsant2]

Irish,

First – I have felt first hand the pain that comes with “being served” papers. Hurt like hell and outside of reiterating whatever one else had said to you I will tell YOU know that YOUR journey is really just begun. You may not want to hear this right now – BUT YOU WILL SURVIVE. You may not feel like you will right now. BUT I want you to stop for a second and just realize that RIGHT NOW…this VERY SECOND….YOU are still married. RIGHT NOW…this VERY SECOND…you are not alone. RIGHT NOW…this VERY SECOND…you must grieve…grieve your OLD M – because Irish, it is dead. It had to die. Do not disrespect your M. Do not sit there and beat yourself silly thinking that anything you could have done would have changed this. Your H is sick and although right now, I would love to punch him in his head and shove my foot so far up his butt that he would have to open his mouth so that I clip my toe nails (ok…sorry a little anger from me), although right now all looks lost – IT is NOT. You may not realize this….BUT RIGHT NOW…THIS very second….YOUR H DOES NOT DERSERVE YOU! That’s right, HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!

My heart goes out to you and as Brooklyn has said many time before….you MUST feel this! The natural tendency is to blame yourself for the failure. Please do not. Take the time to really grieve your M. Take as long as you need – do not rush it. Cry, scream, pray, argue with God and tell him how wrong this is – THEN…

Stand

Stand for Irish – no one else. Stand for YOU sweetie.

God Bless,
Eric

[handlingplanb]

((((IB))))

I've been in the same position. I've received 3 or 4 e-mails ( E-MAILS!!)from my H telling me he "was done," and we needed to "end this." The last e-mail was in March when he told me I needed to hire a L to handle the paperwork for OUR D. Each e-mail was like a knife to the heart. We've been together for 30 years, married for 24. He has been out of our home for over 2 years - but we are still married, and I still count the years.

Each time I reacted very emotionally. I responded the first time with an in-person visit (the first one came when he was still in our home and was a COMPLETE shock), the others via e-mail with all of the emotion that they stirred up. It felt good temporarily, but did nothing to change his mind. My best advice would be not to react, if possible. Write your response or responses, print them and destroy them. Do not let him see your emotion. He does not deserve that now, and it will do nothing but reinforce his decision.

I agree, do not help him. YES, hire your own L. Be prepared, but you do not have to do this for him.

I did hire a L. I gave her a big fat retainer check with instructions that she was not to initiate anything. She would not be filing (I will not be filing) OUR divorce - that is up to him. This will be his D when he is ready to do the work. He contacted her in April (asked what he needed to send her to get this done) and he was told that he was to submit his proposal to her. She is still waiting for something from him.

I'm living my life as if he was gone (and he IS out of MY life - our M is dead), although with 3 kids in the home it is impossible to REALLY live that way. He is still very much involved with the kids and DEMANDS equal time with them. He is and always has been a great father - but there is added emotion when faced daily with the reality that he is DONE with me and our M - but not with the family that we built together - or at least our children. The FAMILY we had has been broken. I now have a new sense of FAMILY, and do my best to instill that and LIVE that way with my children.

THIS is his decision. HE is the one that is giving up on your M. For as long as it is healthy for you to do so, let him proceed and live with his decision. LIVE for you and your family. Let this be about a time for YOU. Hire a L. Let the L handle all that is legal.

It is easy to say, but hard to actually just let it all go (BOY do I know that!!!!), move forward and accept what is happening, but that is what you must do now. Come here for support. Find friends and or family that will offer support without telling you what you should or shouldn't do. Find a counsellor or therapist to help you through if you need to - but LIVE for you. Your life can not be about living for your M and your dream of what your life would be at this point. It must be about YOU now.