Beatrice, Thanks so much for this suggestion. I have read all Yellowrose's threads but sometime ago and I did post to her a little as I thought my H and hers had some similarities. I did think of her thread recently and thought I should do some re-reading. Thanks for the prompt, Beatrice, now I really will get to some more serious reading. I'm feeling I am so close and yet so very far!!
I remember reading them in real time, and really, the outcome was far from certain for a long time. When you read the story afterwards, and know they got back together it is easy to forget that at the time she was as puzzled, perplexed, angry hurt and just plain tired, as you are!
Please vent here. Write your thoughts down here. Journal. Pray. Tell God everything that you are thinking........ It will be cathartic. Then be quiet........and listen to your inner voice.
You have come too far to send H scurrying back into the tunnel now. If you need to, go very dim for awhile for your mental health.
Remember.........if you are feeling this torn right now, H must be REALLY confused. Find the strength inside to be the woman that he would be a fool to walk away from............Remember, H didn't spend his birthday with MIL, FIL and OW. She must be feeling like the 2nd choice right now and she will probably be acting angry because of this. Maybe that's why H was withdrawn on his birthday? Maybe OW gave him a hard time about doing that?
This is an opportunity for you to look like the better choice............you can go dim gently and still look like H's safe harbor.
Thanks GAG. I will try to follow your advice but I must be honest and say that rather than go dim I really want to let him have it!
I just feel so confused by all this and atm I wish I'd stayed dark. Re-establishing dim is really hard once again but I have to do something for me. I am too obsessed with what H is saying and doing.
FIL and MIL say H likes his own space and ow is there when he wants and this suits him.
So I don't know whether H has let himself get really close and has then pulled back or if he just invited me for his parents.
Last night H came here and dropped MIL and FIL off to say goodbye. I asked him why he wasn't coming in as they were only staying for 30 mins and he said, "D is trying to study for an exam. She doesn't need me distracting her." If MIL and FIL were there distracting what difference would one more be? Then he came to the door to pick them up. It took all my energy not to knock him out with the door.
I love MIL and FIL but they like peace at all costs so they never challenge H. They said after lunch Sunday H went back and slept so he must have been tired and then he seemed happier after that.
So H cancelled our weekly dinner due last night so it will be interesting to see what happens next week.
Your feelings are perfectly understandable. You have shown amazing grace under pressure. It is not fun, but it is normal for you to have these feelings. Have you read any of the threads about LBS cycling? Missherlove has been posting about his cycling. I find it really helpful to read what others have written about this.
I too wonder if I am losing my sanity with the cycling that I have been doing. For me, physical activity really helps.
It seems as though being in contact with MIL and FIL is a mixed blessing for you and D. They have been put into a difficult position by H too.
Please adhere to the 48 hour rule. Don't allow yourself to respond to H for at least 48 hours. Take good care of yourself and do some very nice things for yourself. Get a pedicure.........or buy some special tea.........or a wonderfully indulgent dessert...........or curl up with a good book. Do whatever will make you feel good.
Well today I had to text H to pick up D as I had an unexpected work meeting. I apologised and he said it was fine. Then he said he would get dinner for her and then sent me another text asking if I wanted some tomatoes. hmm
Then I received an email asking for a receipt I had and the paperwork for the settlement. I replied and said I thought we were going to do it together and he said, "I thought I could start since you are so busy."
The positive of the financial settlement is that he will no longer have this to wave over my head.
A friend just rang and I told him the story and he said, "Here we go again. He's got too close again."
GAG thanks for your support. I have read LBS cycling and I know I've been doing lots of that lately. Atm I'm just angry!
Yes I am relieved MIL and FIL have gone. MIL told me to move on and they were distinctly uncomfortable on H's birthday.
Last night MIL started to tell me something about ow and I changed the subject. I don't want to hear about her story. I don't care. You're right H puts them in a difficult position but they'll never tell him that.
Unfortunately I have quite a lot happening atm and life is a little crazy.
Oops...I didn't finish........life is a little crazy so I have to keep working away and look forward to the holidays which are just weeks away. Thanks again GAG.
Yes I am relieved MIL and FIL have gone. MIL told me to move on and they were distinctly uncomfortable on H's birthday.
Last night MIL started to tell me something about ow and I changed the subject. I don't want to hear about her story. I don't care. You're right H puts them in a difficult position but they'll never tell him that.
Cas, is it possible that MIL and FIL really amplified your mixed feelings about H? That must have been very difficult. I've gotten to the point where I can't really talk to most of my friends about standing for my XH. That's why I really appreciate this board. Yesterday my sister tried to tell me that I should go to a cigar bar to meet men. I told her that when she started taking her own advice (she's been D for 17 years and hasn't dated) I might take her advice. I know that even if I give up on XH, I am not healed enough to get into another R right now.
