Bobby, Thank you for sharing some more of your story.
In my life experience I have found that people that always have to be right, are worried about what other people think of them, and are controlling, tend to be very insecure.
Bobby you must take the focus off of your wife in this. You're right, you can't fix her, but you can fix yourself. I disagree that you can't do 180's and move forward. You can do the opposite of what you've always done and continue to move forward in the other direction.
You can lead by example. It's obvious that your wife keeps track of your doings. Your actions speak louder than words. If you think a counselor would help you and your wife and she won't go at this time, why don't you take the lead and find a good IC and work on yourself? "Lead by example". That is a 180 Bobby. Doing that without saying a word says powerfully that you recognize that you had a part in the downfall of your M and you are going to help yourself. It's not a trick or a tactic. It just says I know I have fault, too, and I'm going to explore that to do better, so I can be better. You might be very surprised at the things you dig up and it may start to make more sense to you.
Now, as far as rewriting marital history. That happens because the WAS or MLCer needs to justify their actions. Sometimes it's because we as individuals, especially those couples (H and I) that don't communicate effectively, perceive the same happening differently. I believe that they also do it to gain support for their actions.
Keep digging Bobby. Keep working on you. It's the only way not to repeat this in your next R, whether it's with your W or someone else.
