WAW 20 Years. Divorce to maybe possible R

[Starsky309]

I'm thinking if she wanted to work on the marriage, she might be more open to ending the A if she heard it from the RV folk.

So, just blow off the RV condition of "no RV weekend of one of the partners is still actively in an affair." Would that be your concept of "unconditional regard?"

[ArnieBGood]

No. If she didn't agree to end it, then there would be no point to RV - or even working on the marriage for that matter. Since the history of the relationship might make it difficult for her to accept that from him, she might be open to hearing it from someone else.

[Starsky309]

But how would she hear it from someone else -- the Retrouvaille folks -- if they have a precondition of "no active affair" before you do the weekend?

Good god, Arnie, you talk about of both sides of your mouth. Is it just me???

Starsky

[Pensacolabroken]

Arnie she is going to get talk friday with the marriage therapist. I doubt the EA continues but she is not agreed yet to my NC boundry. I am letting her make her choice and my actions are going to be incremental. New bank accounts resccind power of attorney. I will file for divorce. I won't live like this forever

[ArnieBGood]

But how would she hear it from someone else -- the Retrouvaille folks -- if they have a precondition of "no active affair" before you do the weekend?

Before a couple attends a weekend, they are interviewed (separately), at least in our community. That is where the issues of unrecovering addictions and affairs are brought up, and each spouse is told that any third party involvement must end before attending the w/e.

Good god, Arnie, you talk about of both sides of your mouth. Is it just me???

Starsky

It's just you, Starsky

Seriously, I'm not sure what is being referred to.

[ArnieBGood]

Arnie she is going to get talk friday with the marriage therapist. I doubt the EA continues but she is not agreed yet to my NC boundry. I am letting her make her choice and my actions are going to be incremental. New bank accounts resccind power of attorney. I will file for divorce. I won't live like this forever

So at this point you are 100% clear about ending the marriage.

[Pensacolabroken]

Arnie. Yes I will be clear that the possibility exists my marriage will end. I will not be able to remain in a marriage that my wife will not respect. Because I will not respecy myself by allowing it to continue and there can be no trust when she disregards something sacred to a marriage

[Pensacolabroken]

well, 500 am and WAW is up. Took the opportunity to start my week off on the right foot.

I told her I have too many unanswered questions about her "friend". I told her simply this:

"WAW, What are you willing to do to help me restore trust in you and our marriage?"

her - "end my FB with OM"

"I said more than just a face book ending.. I want total end of contact period."

Her "I said I was thinking about it"

me "it has gone on long enough"

"I am trying to be a person that is kind and compassionate. I respect people. I respect you. Marriages need to have healthy boundries for security and safety. A week ago, I told you that I have a boundry that is non negotiable, and asked you to respect my boundry. You said you would think about it. A week is long enough. I am aking you to IMMEDIATLY stop all contact and your "friendship" and relationship with OM." I then said "a marriage deserves the respect and safety of a boundry. I am not asking for something unreasonable."

"This is your choice. I am going to assume that your decision is made and I will begin to take steps to go in a different direction. If our marriage is to have any hope of being repaired or if we are to have any type of honest relationship even if it cant be repaired, we have to get beyond OM."

I then said "you cant have him waiting in reserve or me in reserve. It isnt right" She said " I dont have anyone in reserve and I thought we (OM) could just remain friends"

I was incredulous at her state of denial! Where has she been these last couple of weeks? This shows me she really is rationalizing that she and he could remain friends! WTH?!

I told her "Really?? NO WAY. Not after the lies, the phone records, the dinners, the meetings ,, the lies and all the other unanswered questions about your relationship with him. NO."

I told her "it is your choice. and I am not waiting another week, or even another 2 days. You know what I am asking for, you know if you want the marriage to have a chance of repair this must happen, and the friendship with him must end immediately."

She said "ok" and then I left.

[sandi2]

I doubt the EA continues but she is not agreed yet to my NC boundry.

Why do you think it won't continue?

[Pensacolabroken]

I dont know that it wont. All I can do is be firm in my boundry and work on myself. If she says it is over, she needs to earn my trust back, and I can believe her.

It is her choice.

Facts are stubborn things. If the facts support the gut feeling, I got it.

If she respects my boundry and starts to show action, that will allow the trust bridge to be built.

either way I will be ok.