Whether here, or in MWD’s books (or even other related material or programs), a “boundary” and an “ultimatum” are the same. The attitude from which they come is a parental one. It is a parent who issues “consequences” to a child - and to a partner, that is treating them like a child.
There is a false choice presented between the ultimatum as “boundary” and being a doormat. These are not the only choices (thankfully). The approach to “boundaries” I see espoused here so much puts the spouse in a position of either reacting from their ego and resisting, or from their child-self and acquiescing. In other words, the “positive” outcome is that one’s spouse becomes child to your parent, whereas the “negative” one is the end of the relationship altogether. Neither enhances the relationship - one destroys it and the other puts it into a place that does not foster intimacy.
There is another approach that is more effective in setting boundaries. This has a greater chance of enhancing the relationship. It comes from a more heart-centered attitude towards one’s spouse and a place of unconditional regard for both myself as well as my spouse. It does not mean that the unacceptable is accepted however. A key difference is that instead of the parental “consequences” there are choices - my choices, which are the only ones I can make. Another key difference is that it enables any changes my spouse makes to be given as a gift. This is very important because of the kind of relationship it engenders. A child will “behave” to avoid a “consequence” (i.e. punishment) - I don't wish to be married to a an adult, not a child.
That is why working on oneself is the most effective thing that can be done. As MWD points out, changing myself means that there has to be some kind of change in the relationship. Just what that change means to my spouse is something that is out of my control.
