Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

It was another busy week. Still a lot of things going on in my mind. Like you mentioned, there are so many obstacles. They were all just reinforced this weekend. I hadn't seen H all week - our schedules just didn't work out. On thurs night, although, he was actually not working for once, I had already made plans for S and I to have dinner with one of my g/f's. Luckily that didn't send H overboard like with what happened with the neighbors (obviously in a somewhat better mindset for now). Friday night comes and he invites me again to come over to the new place, but I already had plans again to hang out with another girlfirend (actually, H's cousin, but she's my friend and closer to me anyways). We hadn't decided what we wanted to do so I suggested H's place and we went over there for about an hour. The place was cool and super packed, but H made the time to come & give us the tour of all the new things he had done and sat & chatted for a bit. One ackward thing happened, a group of H's highschool friends that are girls (including his gf from highschool) came in. I know he kept in touch with her occasionally (i'm guessing he told her or them about the place & invited them). I know that they were bf/gf a looonnnnggg time ago, but I still don't like it. I don't think anyone is really ever comfortable when their signicant other sees a past bf or gf. But on the otherhand, I can't be too judgemental, b/c I still see my highschool bf at church (he's the son of my parent's best friends), but the only difference is that I know where my brain is at! But anyways, they came in, said hi to H, but when they couldn't find a table, so they ended up leaving. I didn't say anything about it to H, but my friend (H's cousin commented on it). One other interesting thing, his cousin asked H if he was going to move back down here (our old house that is being rented out is just down the street from the new place). He said "no way!" b/c he doesn't want his uncles to be able to call him in to the new place at all times. I didn't respond to that, but this carried over to a conversation we had on saturday. In good news though, the servers there seem to be alot older, so it's not as threatning. The old place was filled with young blond pretty girls with no reservations or values. Blah!

So on Saturday, H texted early (around 7) just as S was getting up, that he had accidentally taken the work key home, so he was coming back to the area and if he could come over after he dropped it off (well mainly to sleep, since morning is his nightime). He came over and saw S for 20 mins then went to sleep. Unfortuantely it was a long day for me b/c S was sick (& crabby) again! The previous night had been a long one too b/c I had gone to bed late-ish & then S woke up in the middle of the night. Finally, S goes down for his nap so I go to join H to take a little nap myself, but when I go in there, H is ready to get up. I weighed the options, & decided to sacrifice my own sleep so we could have some time together. We had one interesting conversation (frustating to me tho!). I asked him about his apartment lease since it is up next week. I had to pull it out of him a little, but basically, he hasn't signed it yet, but that it's going to be a 6 month extension, but in his words "oh but you know, that time will fly by in no time". Going back to his words about never moving back into our home, I brought up asking if he knew his father was thinking about refinancing our house to lower the payments (we are all co-owners on it) b/c we needed to figure out what he are going to do with us. It makes no since to refinance the house if we need to sell it, assuming we are going to continue with us and need to relocate somewhere else (I took the positive road taking the argument of us working out, but the same result of selling it would be needed if we are going to D too). His only response was a non response avoiding technique by bascially freaking out that I was causing his back to tense up & spasm. OMG, he can't avoid this forever! I just don't know what's going on in his mind! Maybe he has no intension of resolving us and will let it go on for as long as I let it. But on the otherhand, he's not doing long term leases either. Uggg. Exhasberating! Just make a decision! I'm guessing it's going to come down to me making an ultimatum, but I feel like that's forcing him as compared to him wanting to be with me. The latter his heart is in it, the first is just, well, an ultimatum. Well, even though H didn't respond, at least he knows where I am at and that I'm focusing on a resolution to us.

And all that being said, H was around all Saturday, but still never really spent good time with him. S woke up from his nap, but then H was on the computer. It's so sad. It's his S, but he really doesn't know what to do with him and how to just let go and be a dad.

I think I scared off H a bit with my comments, but it had to be said. I texted him last night to see how work was going , but he wasn't really as talkative with his responses, so I'm just backing off a bit. I'll just do my own thing (which I have been doing!) and I'll let H initiate again. Grr, it's always so hard to know what to do. I just don't know how much to push. "Us" needs to be discussed, but I don't know to make him open up more and not freak out!