Finding My Way

[TimeHeals]

not see any of the money and only increase the animosity/hatred H feels towards me.

Animosity would be progress, I think, in your situation. No offense, but the man doesn't respect you, and that's a bigger problem.

Do what is right. That's all that matters.

[bluestar]

First, you are likely to see at least some of the money and if you do it correctly, he will pay the legal fees. Make sure that is on your wish list to discuss with the L.

YOU cannot make him feel anything about you. He controls his own feelings. Right now, I don't see a man who hates you. I see a man who feels nothing. He doesn't concern himself with how his actions/words will make you feel. He constantly throws OW and her offspring in your face. He takes every turn he can to hurt you even when(you might even say especially when) he knows it will hurt you.

Just do what you need to do. You can't make him do anything more than he's already doing. You keep stopping yourself from protecting yourself and DS because you fear loss of connection with him. For now, it's lost. Hanging on to the pain is not helping you or DS.

By the way, you are a responsible mother. Regardless of how you feel about OW, you need to have a plan to pick up DS from _____ in the event of her hospitalization. Tell your H to pick someone, maybe BIL?, and have that person call you to pick up DS if it happens while he is visiting.

[Mystik]

TH ~ I'm trying to do what's right. Only problem is I'm not sure what is right.

bluestar ~ My sister said she can pick up DS if necessary. But good idea to suggest BIL to get DS from H.

[TimeHeals]

TH ~ I'm trying to do what's right. Only problem is I'm not sure what is right.

If he owes you money, get it back. Get support for your son. If he gets mad about it, that's progress, and tell him to grow up

Take back control of your life, lady

[Mystik]

I have a question about "lovingly detaching". The terms seem contradictory. To detach means that you aren't affected by the other person's words or action, you don't care anymore. Yet to love someone you are concerned about them, and their words and actions affect you. So how can you detach from someone and still love them?

I think I'm going to take the advice of Daughtry in their song "Learned My Lesson". I'm better off "to turn out the lights and close up shop". I love my H but don't know if I can get past Whore and It. So rather than spend the rest of my life in broken relationship after broken relationship, worrying about how anyone I meet is going to feel about my son, I'll just give up now. Besides, I don't know how to behave in a relationship. From watching my mom is how I learned to be the primary caregiver for the kids and do everything for the husband so he didn't have to while not doing anything to antagonize him so that's what I did in my marriage. We all see how well that worked out for me. So rather than waste some guy's time on a relationship that is only going to fail, I'll save them the trouble.

My sister is perfectly content with just her and her daughter, my son should be enough for me, too.

[Mystik]

TH ~ He does owe me money. Not sure how I'll get it back though, the judge can order him to pay but can't write the check out for him, you know. H is paying support because it's being garnished directly from his paycheck. But the money he owes me for out of pocket expenses for DS and car insurance aren't.

[TimeHeals]

Attatchment isn't love.

"Let me first define what I mean by compassion. When you have pity or compassion for a very poor person, you are showing sympathy because he or she is poor; your compassion is based on altruistic considerations. On the other hand, love towards your wife, your husband, your children, or a close friend is usually based on attachment. When your attachment changes, your kindness also changes; it may disappear. This is not true love. Real love is not based on attachment, but on altruism. In this case your compassion will remain as a humane response to suffering as long as beings continue to suffer."--The Dalai Lama

[TimeHeals]

Attachment Vs Love

[Mystik]

Hmm, it does make sense in a way. Guess I'm attached to everyone in my life then, based in their definitions of it.

[Mystik]

Friday was H's birthday. I had DS call him in the morning, gave him some privacy. When I was dropping DS off at school H called back, I let DS answer but H wanted to talk to me. He wanted to tell me that he heard on the radio there was going to be a contest that night on Spike TV to win tickets to see Daughtry in Vegas. I said thanks, wished him a happy birthday and hung up. Nothing more from H that day.

On Saturday I took DS to the pumpkin patch, while there H texted me asking what time I was thinking. I answered 11-5, and he responded he meant that night, that I said I would drop DS off after the pumpkin patch and since it was going to be late he had asked about overnight. I responded that I didn't recall that, that I recalled him saying when I told him I was taking DS to the pumpkin patch on Saturday that H said he would take him longer on Sunday instead. H texted back that when I told him about the pumpkin patch I mentioned maybe dropping him off and that's when he inquired about overnight. At that point I stopped responding, I was trying to have a good day with DS and didn't want an argument with H to spoil it. I was already missing H, thinking that if Whore hadn't trapped him H would have been at the pumpkin patch with DS and I instead of it being my mom.

This morning DS called H to talk to him for a bit and then wanted to head out early to meet DS at the exchange point. So we did and waited for H to show up. When H showed up Whore was with him. As soon as DS was out of the car and the door closed I left, I sobbed the whole way home and am still crying as I type this.

This hurts so much. I know that God has a plan for everyone and only does things in your best interest but I'm having a really hard time seeing how this situation is good for me. I wish I could just shut off all emotions except my love for DS, maybe then I won't be a walking heartache.