I've just received a text from H to thank me for coming to lunch and for my gift. So many things I'd like to respond and none of them are," You're welcome!" Only responses I have atm are sarcastic so best not respond.
Maybe your H was trying to process having his family all together again. He may have been on overload and needed time to break down and analyze his feelings.
SA, thank you. I know it wasn't directed at me cos he really had nothing to say to anyone and MIL and D both made comment about it. He continued to open the car door for me. We were all trying to engage him and he was responding briefly but not initiating further conversation. He appeared tired and maybe that was part of it.
D, being D has already made comment about his mood and he responded that he was fine. That's the response I would have expected.
Perhaps you are right and he was doing some processing as well.....it was probably quite a statement to his parents to have me there.
I'm trying hard not to read anything else into it!
SA, thanks for reminding me of the gracious response.
I am very excited that H invited you to lunch with D and his parents. Your H invited you!!! This is a tremendous move from the other side.
This sends a clear message to them that you two are:
A. Getting along quite nicely with one another. B. Putting the past where it belongs...in the past. C. Reconnecting
As far as I can say...in reference to his "mood". In my experience with H...when he was most quiet and seemingly withdrawn, he was actually very deep into his own thoughts about all things concerning his life and relationships between me and the OW.
In my case, it didn't really matter the scenario we were in. When H would behave that way I would let him be...I/we would attempt engagement as necessary and not push, just like you all did.
It's all so very hard because it's not the company or the place. It's H and the big messes he has created, and his problem to figure out. It's unfortunate that they behave this way when the situation should create the opposite affect on them.
IMO, his response that he was "fine" is a mask for his very troubled mind. He has a lot to process. He enjoys his company with you and at the same time feels guilty about his past behaviors and can't figure out why everyone is so forgiving to him. He also wonders how he can fix things without hurting anyone (meaning you or the OW). His problems are so messy that he really doesn't know what to do.
I am assuming he was in a different mood until you all were within his view. Once he saw that you all were happy and loving and truly having fun with each other (I assume this was from the start) he was reminded of his mistakes....thus guilt and fear took over him. A CONFUSED MAN
I think your H wants to be back in the family, he is afraid and needs more time to receive nurturing and confidence.
(((Cas))) keep showing your H you support him and accept him in forgiveness and love. Continue to be patient for him...
His text of thanks was genuine. A simple "you're welcome H" is necessary. He needs to feel validated by you, give him that.
Besides a card....what was your gift choice? (If I may ask) SEE....A lot happened in the past two weeks....all positive from where I sit
Keep the faith (((Cas))),
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sounds to me that you have the patience thing in the bag. Look at how long you've been holding down the fort.
Sandrika is absolutely right about his moods. When my H used to go deep within himself, I learned to just smile and wait it out until the body-snatchers returned him from the mother ship. Helps if there is someone else handy to have a conversation with while he 'zones out' though, doesn't it.
Congrats. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction.
I think that I can understand how you feel. It's SO hard to muster patience to deal with the alien who is inhabiting H's body. If you're like me, you're barely hanging on to that patience......Yet, H's invitation to include you with his parents and D on his birthday seems like he may be turning a corner to coming back to you. Is it possible that H was quiet and distant BECAUSE of his birthday? How old is he now? If aging is part of what prompted this crisis, then wouldn't a birthday be a reminder of the issues that brought H TO his crisis? (Just guessing here.) It could also be a reminder of time passing. H may be thinking...."by this age, I always thought that I would be doing X,Y, or Z".
What are YOU doing to regain your strength and patience? I find that it is MUCH easier to deal with the drama that is my XH's life (and my loneliness) when I am happy. When I take care of myself, I have extra happiness to give to others.
Echo GAG birthdays always rattle people, once you got over the ones that you are supposed to have fun with 18/21 and maybe even 30, the rest all throw feelings of life running away with us.. I found 40 fine but the 47 started to hurt a bit and Im not sure think I might plan a MLC for 50 lol!
I always thought it selfish before but now I know its the only way to saniety, when H goes a bit alien, I go back to lookng after me, time and again I have concentrated on me only to find after a short while H returns back to the land of the living..
Im right in the middle of one now hence Im on here catching up with people I want to hear about and support, when H is ready I'll be ready to spend time with him again all smiley and fulfilled with my own GAL
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Sanderika, GAG, Punkin and Rabbit....Thanks for your feedback. I feel very blessed to have such special people to help me out here. I read all your responses before work and I felt so much better.
Tonight H has sent me an email saying one of the jobs he applied for has been withdrawn. I sent him a text to see if he was coming to dinner, being our regular night tomorrow night but he said no thanks, they already had plans. I said that I would like to say goodbye to his parents if there would be a suitable time. He replied that he was sure they would organise a time to say goodbye to me.
So.....feeling tired and grumpy all over again. It's that pull back that I'm feeling again. And...there's a degree of uncertainty as well cos I can't help wonder if there's dinner with ow tomorrow night since MIL and FIL haven't seen her yet.
I hate not knowing where I stand so this is SO annoying.
Thanks again for your responses. I'll send a more detailed response to you all when I am a little more positive than I feel this minute (and there's some study I'd better get to as well!)
Hi, may I suggest that you look in the archives at Yellowrose's threads. her husband started exiting the tunnel in earnest about 5 years ago, and if you look at her threads for the period 5 - about 3.5 years ago [in six month tranches], you will see her frustrations mirror yours. They made it through eventually. It took a while, but as far as I know are together and very happy. I don't think she posts much anymore, but she stayed on quite a while after they reconciled. A woman of real spirit and courage.
There were a series of threads among all of these called 'Waiting for the other shoe to drop'. her story is inspirational.
