Not only do you need to do some homework..you need to answer some questions. Re-read your thread and see just how many questions you keep avoiding.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I recived a call from my son who told me that my wife dropped out of school. She is devasted and has always excelled in all she has done in life. She apparently is very depressed and exploring her future options. My son asked me if I would take my wife back and I said yes but there would need to be counseling for both of us. I told him I was very sad about what happened and told him I wished things had been different. He told me that he had found this out from my daughter and that I should let things work out. I am not sure if my wife will share this news with me. Ironically, this is one year today that my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I have been doing alot of soul searching and realize I have alot of work to do if she decides to come back. If she does then I want her to hold her head high and not be ashamed. I want her to feel comfortable with me and her decision. I will let her approach me and be supportive. Bobby O
You are a physician. I am a veterinarian. We are used to being called "not real doctors". Us vets joke that physicians went to the "easy" med school where they only had to learn about one species. Either way, we share similar personalities.
We had to work hard, focus, concentrate, give it our all. We sacrificed in order to make it. As a result, we often define ourselves by our actions and our roles. Physician, husband, father. We are also trained to look at problems with a certain mentality. Assess the problem. Look for clues. Perform diagnostics. Attain a diagnosis. And most importantly, TREAT the disease. This is what we do. This is our lives. Bobby.
FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND STFU AND LISTEN TO THIS FORUM!!!!
Over and over people have asked you direct questions. Questions about YOU. We don't honestly give a flying crap about your W right now. We know you do. We all care about our S. But this is NOT about your W. This is about YOU. In ALL your posts not once have I gotten a true sense of who you really are. I can only assume it is because you do not know. You are not used to being asked the questions. You are used to having the answers. This defines you. I understand that. Well sorry Bobby, but you won't FIND the answers anywhere. Not in a book, not in other people. You can't TREAT this disease. YOU have to find YOU. Sure, you can use others to help GUIDE you along this process. But if you are not willing to take a look inward, you are doomed.
Once again in case you missed it. FORGET EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU KNOW AND START LEARNING!! Stop being a doctor. Stop assessing EVERYTHING. Nothing makes sense right now and it won't. You can't understand madness. Don't try.
Until you are prepared to answer honest questions about YOURSELF, you will not grow.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Thanks Albuquerque, You are right on with what you said and yes we have it easier learning about onc specie. I have re-read these resources and need to stay focused. What ever happens will be and all I can do is move forward and worry about me and my children. Bobby O
...all I can do is move forward and worry about me and my children. Bobby O
OK, I'm from both a med and vet family, so I get the mindset.
Bobby, what does move forward mean to you? Continue as you always have and hope for the best? Or really examine what brought you here, and commit to kill those parts of you that contributed to the demise of your M, and made you less than you can be?
And worry about you and your children? No. You need to focus on you and your children, and do for you and your children, so that you don't have to worry about you and your children. Make your life with them happy and full and fulfilling, commit to their well-being and best interest, and then you will know that you will all be fine whatever your W decides.
C'mon Bobby. You're a smart guy. You can do this.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Well, I have thought of things that went wrong with my marriage and do believe I had a part in its downfall. I also know that I can not do a 180 so I can only go forward. I do believe a counselor could help with this but what good is it if the wife refuses to go. I do believe we had issues that needed counseling years ago, but my wife always refused to go. She is and has always been a private person. When I have a problem I get help from close friends and family. I always considered my wife my best friend and she never would speak to anyone because she always felt her way was best. I am not trying to portray it was all my wife's fault. What I am saying is she made things more difficult than it was. She said I was controlling but people who know us have said it is her that was controlling. In many ways I would give in and as a result she lost respect for me. I am a problem solver and can usually come up with a plan that works. Whenever there was a problem my wife and children would come to me to fix it. I should have let them figure it out themselves. My wife felt that I did not stand up to my mother when there were issues and that was true years ago but not now. She felt I never wanted her to have friends or meet people and again that was not true. She and I see things very differently. My son told me my wife dropped out of her school. I believe that is true. My sister-in-law says her sister said school is going well. My wife is always afraid of what people will think of her, She has felt I have thrown her under the bus at times and again I do not feel that is true. I am not perfect and if I could really understand my wife and her fears and concerns; then perhaps we can move forward. I know I am shut out of her world. I would have encouraged her to stick it out regarding her school. I had to do the same thing when she was in nursing school. My problem was that I did not want her to fall so I was always there to pick her up. I know I must detach and let her figure this all out. I can only work on me and try to stay close to my children. I know my wife must feel she is a failure or that she has no other options but I know she can do many things. She has to figure it out. She has always blamed me when things went wrong. I remember my father joking one time. He said if the sky were green then it would be your fault Bob. I do appreciate Lance, Alb, punkin, seeks answers etc help and I do think of things all the time where I need to reflect and work to change myself. Love you guys Bobby O
Bobby, Thank you for sharing some more of your story.
In my life experience I have found that people that always have to be right, are worried about what other people think of them, and are controlling, tend to be very insecure.
Bobby you must take the focus off of your wife in this. You're right, you can't fix her, but you can fix yourself. I disagree that you can't do 180's and move forward. You can do the opposite of what you've always done and continue to move forward in the other direction.
You can lead by example. It's obvious that your wife keeps track of your doings. Your actions speak louder than words. If you think a counselor would help you and your wife and she won't go at this time, why don't you take the lead and find a good IC and work on yourself? "Lead by example". That is a 180 Bobby. Doing that without saying a word says powerfully that you recognize that you had a part in the downfall of your M and you are going to help yourself. It's not a trick or a tactic. It just says I know I have fault, too, and I'm going to explore that to do better, so I can be better. You might be very surprised at the things you dig up and it may start to make more sense to you.
Now, as far as rewriting marital history. That happens because the WAS or MLCer needs to justify their actions. Sometimes it's because we as individuals, especially those couples (H and I) that don't communicate effectively, perceive the same happening differently. I believe that they also do it to gain support for their actions.
Keep digging Bobby. Keep working on you. It's the only way not to repeat this in your next R, whether it's with your W or someone else.
