DBing is DOING WHAT WORKS to BRING MORE LOVE into your relationship.
The QUICKEST WAY is to
Set your RELATIONSHIP GOALS 2-3, small, action oriented, positively stated, things that can be achieved in the next two weeks.
Rework your RELATIONSHIP GOALS until they fit the criteria above, otherwise they will be hard to achieve and off-target. (there are LOTS of examples on board)
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
DB IS NOT 'ABOUT' the following or any one technique
Boundary setting (you may need to set boundaries, but you will be more effective by setting the boundaries by changing yoru own behavior.)
Blaming your spouse If you're blaming your spouse, you are not DBing. Your spouse may be to blame, but you move forward by changing your own behavior.
'Manning Up'; Stopping 'Cake-Eating', etc. When we tell our stories on the board, we are only telling one side. Our friends on the board often get 'on our sides' and against our spouses....just like in 'real life'. It's nice and supportive......but that isn't usually the advice to follow. Someone may tell us to stop our spouse's 'cake eating' when they don't know we had/have poor behaviors that contributed to our spouse's poor behavior. Folks who as probing questions about our own part in this, lead us to take better actions.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
A group of gypsies moved in my yard and set up camp, they said that this land is where their ancestors are from and their souls are mated to this place. They are using my electricity, phones, water, car and eating my food. They also treat me poorly no matter how much I do for them (I am trying to be as loving as I can.) I clean up after them (since that is one of their complaints - one of my 180s :)) and do their laundry. I even give them foot rubs!
Recently my wife and kids are joining them to go away to the city on the weekends. I stay home and cook, clean and tidy their camp. When they return I talk to them about their trip but my wife just brushes me off and goes and talks to the leader.
We stopped ML after a couple weeks of this, I think my wife is tired and stressed. One of her LLs is gifts so I keep buying her more to bring more love to the table. She seems so different now. My kids don't like going with the gypsies but my wife likes it so what can I do?
My friends can't believe how patient and understanding I have become, I am working on what was my part of the problem.
My goals - keep my marriage, family and have a sex life again. I don't want to push my wife away. What do I do?
ps I once said I was going to call the cops on them but they said I was being controlling, threatening, and they are really our friends. They then told me they would take my wife and kids and I would only see them half of the time if I didn't get in line. In the mean time I am working on me. Help!
Where is the prescribed list of things to do? 180 list, Goal list, Act as if list, etc.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am a almost WAW, my H is abusive. I am working on my part of the relationship. Am I just supposed to take it until I get me figured out? I love on him the best I can. I do what he asks and they he tells me it's not good enough, I ask for help understanding and he just stomps off. I think I need to learn to communicate better. I think he is having a A but it's not his fault.
I am taking care of myself, and go to IC. I have friends and hobbies, which he is very jealous of so I am thinking of changing that. Would that bring more love to the M? When I change my behavior in a healthy way he gets mad and punishes me. I guess I need to change more. Tired of walking on eggshells.
My goals - get him to listen, help me around the house, and some affection.
ps It's hard to get him to listen because he texts constantly.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Where is the prescribed list of things to do? 180 list, Goal list, Act as if list, etc.
Well, I would say in this case, that what you're doing "isn't working," and since the DB advice is to "do what works," you would then want to try the opposite approach -- "man up."
Blaming your spouse If you're blaming your spouse, you are not DBing. Your spouse may be to blame, but you move forward by changing your own behavior.
This narrow interpretation of a text that runs upwards of 300+ pages may fit for the classic wayward case. But if there's depression, infidelity, etc the text does advocate confronting you spouse directly. For infidelity MWD even advocates installing sw on the home PC to get the truth.
Working on you isn't going to get a spouse with depression any healthier, and it certainly isn't going to help you confirm if there's an affair going on.
And you do need to know if your WS is having extramarital sexual activities so you can protect yourself from contracting any STD's.
The last time I checked, 180's weren't a cure for aids.
