When you show a private part of your body to someone outside of your marriage even "only over the internet", that is still a physical affair.
So, whenever you watch porn, that's having a PA with all those women?
Stop playing on words, blue. You know what she's trying to say when she said it was "emotional". Don't you think you've thrown enough emotional stones at her? I think she feels bad enough, now, so some help in how to move forward might be in order.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, there was an implication that she exposed herself over the internet via Skype. To me, that is not the same as passively viewing porn and breaks the PA barrier. If it doesn't for you, ok. My point was to get her to see it from her H's point of view.
I am in no way throwing stones of any kind. In every post, I have said that I'm on her side and I want her to heal from this. The sooner she accepts her reality and gets to a place of learning from understanding the better. I am challenging her to think from a different perspective with the utmost respect for what she's been through. There are enough other posters holding her hand, telling her it'll be ok and even blaming her H. Some people on this board waste years stuck in feelings unable to move forward. I don't want her to be one of those people.
By the way, the goal can't just be "it was what is was and move on". We tell the LBS's every day not to except a WS back until they have accepted responsibility and learned from what they did. How can we now tell her something different?
For the record, just because I have challenged her to consider something does not mean that I am 1)namecalling, 2)believe she should take that position or 3)being mean. When I asked her to just think about moving, it's not because I think she should. It's because it could get really uncomfortable if her H continues to be nasty about the D. She needs to ask herself, "can I take that?" if it happens. When I pointed out that someone may have recorded whatever she did on Skype, it wasn't to be cruel. It was to make her consider that fact in case she's ever tempted again and also consider the fact that her H may have something to use against so she can try to protect herself.
SoA, I am sorry for my comment about missing my point "just like the other cheaters..." I reacted before I thought and I shouldn't have.
It is very difficult to come to this board as a WAW in an A. Some well-meaning challenges sound more like a kick in the gut from a bitter LBS. Maybe you don't think you're bitter, and maybe some others don't think they are either....but it always shows up when they start to post to a woman who had an A!
She's ASHAMED! Very ashamed, heart broken and she sees that her life is going up on smoke. I doubt that she's going to be tempted again....unless she completely goes off the deep end. That is always possible and that is why she needs help.
I still suggest counseling,but get somebody qualified and not some goof-ball. I went to a counselor after my EA, and was told that there was absolutely nothing wrong in what I did. Even in my frame of mind, I knew that wasn't right!
So Ashamed, do you go to Church? Are you a Christian? If so, then your greatest healing will come through spiritual feeding. A lot can be learned from the Savior's forgiving grace. If you have a good Pastor or Priest, then talk to him for guidance.
Have a strong and loving support group. By that, I do not mean people who put down your H, etc., but who show you love during this difficult time. When my kids do wrong, I still love them in spite of their wrongs. When I had my EA, my mother still loved me in spite of my wrong. You need to feel loved right now. Where is your family & friends?
Surround yourself with uplifting music instead of depressing country blues or funeral music, KWIM? Don't watch sad movies. Buy funny movies that will cause you to smile in spite of what you are going through. That's important! (Watch cartoon if you have to!)
Go to the library and read inspirational books and self-esteem books. It's so important that you get the right kind of mental and physical atomosphere. Eat good, pray hard, exercise often. Cry until you can't cry anymore but stay determined that life is not over and you will survive this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks to all of you who have offered kind words and helpful advice. One day at a time is all I can do. Still wish I could talk to him and tell him I'm sorry. Tell him that I really DO love him even though I did unloving things. Beg for another chance. I still need to find a new IC, one that isn't crazier than me, and one I feel comfortable with. I've tried 2, maybe the third will be the one for me.
