My Situation - any thoughts or ideas

[gutwrenching]

Another thing...you are less than one month into this journey. Look at some of the others here on this board...
This process, however it turns out takes months and months if not years. So relax, calm down, breathe, and pick yourself up.

My point is this isn't the end of everything...you are a long ways from that point

[pookie69]

Sitting at my desk pretending to work. Not doing a very good job pretending.

Take a break. Go for a walk.

Think about what your W is telling you.

"Don't tell me it's making you miserable. I'm doing all I can. Will make any change. Any sacrifice. it is you that has given up on our family with this delusion that we'll all be happy. Talk about Fu&^ed up thinking. This is not the path to happiness for anyone>

She is miserable and you are making her more miserable by disagreeing with her. This is never going to work for you.

You are not doing all you can. Start agreeing with her. Make a sacrifice by putting yourself in her shoes.

You are the sole source of the misery in this planet right now. She will tell you that over and over until you agree. She will rewrite the history until you agree.

The path to happiness starts with yourself. Forget about hers for now.

What are you going to do to get happy, confident, respected and attractive?

[Steve McQueen]

The biggest mistake people make in these situations is to become needy, desparate and begin acting out in passive - aggressive behavior. This is the most UNattractive behavior you could exhibit. How in the world could expect someone to desire this? It is depressive.

You are not living in a John Keats poem. This is the real world. Strength, confidence, discpline are required.

The first thing you need to do is realize this is another living being. They are not your simease twin nor were they created to exclusively be your object of love and desire. They have toughts, emotions, desires and the ability to act on them. At any time in anyway they feel. And they can change their mind without a moments notice or reason.

Hopefully, you can wrapped your mind around that because the next thing you need to do is realize that describes you also. You are a living being. And you need to continue to live. Take 30 - 60 - 90 days to find yourself and forget about the other person. Limited contact, freedom to explore the world around you, learn how to love yourself again.

That is easier said then done. I read many people hear writing about how they are detached or "dark" then type over and over day after day hour after hour about their spouse and relationship problems. They are not taking the needed time to remove themselves from the problem in their life. So the problem never seems to go away. Try it.

Me again (15 minutes later): "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair of me. I'm a desperate man and I know it could work given half a chance and I can't tell you how hopeless and devastated I feel. Please please please reconsider just 1 more try. What's the risk of it?"

the risk is you aint never gonna change. and you will always be desperate, hopeless and devastated. Try something different.

[futureunknown]

Take 30 - 60 - 90 days to find yourself and forget about the other person. Limited contact, freedom to explore the world around you, learn how to love yourself again.

I agree completely. Give yourself the gift of a break. I think one reason folks stubbornly resist letting go is because they believe it has to be forever. I know I did. It doesn't have to be forever. Let her go for a couple months, take time to heal, and go through the co-dependence withdrawal, then re-evaluate your sitch. The first month is the worst. It gets better over time.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

you are less than one month into this journey. Look at some of the others here on this board...
This process, however it turns out takes months and months if not years. So relax, calm down, breathe, and pick yourself up.

My point is this isn't the end of everything...you are a long ways from that point

There are so many out there that heard all the BS the WAS told us and the WAS comes back. Once you get you act together and start doing the neccesary work your sitch will change.

You get to the point where you deserve better and your W won't be worth YOUR time. Getting there in the cross we bare. You will know when you have reached the point.

Listen to the Counter-intuitive advice. It works. It works. Works.

[XYZ]

So here's the next chapter in the wonderful saga I call a life....

Several days ago, I got W to agree to discuss the possibility of some therapy options. I called Virginia and got the details of the 2-day sessions with Michelle. It's expensive and I knew that W would never go for it, so my parents offered to pay the (substantial) fee. I called MIL and asked her if she would watch the kids. She replied "of course, I'll do anything to help you guys". She's really the best MIL a guy could want. So 2 nights ago, I asked W about going to CO and meeting with Michelle. She said she'd think about it. Last night, I asked if she had decided. She had and said she would not go because my parents would spend all of that money and then all eyes would be on her asking “what she decided” and once again it would be “all her fault”. I simply replied “ok, well thank you for considering it.”

About an hour later, I asked her if she had a moment. She said yes. I told her that if she was unwilling to work our our marriage and try to repair it, then we could not live together. It is simply too painful. That was last night. We had planned to go today to her parents house for the day and night. I told her that I would stay her and look at apartments instead and on Sunday we could tell the kids and I would move to my parents house for a while (first time in 20 years. What a shock that will be!). A bit later she asked me how we were going to afford an apartment when we're barely making ends meet now. I said “I have no idea, but no choice either.” Guess we'll a least save money on date nights out! Ha.

This morning, she asked me if I was going with them to her parents. I said “no, I'm looking at apartments”. She said “oh, I wasn't sure”. Funny how when I didn't understand her issues, it's my fault for not listening. When she doesn't understand me, it's my fault for not being clear. WTF. Anyway.

A few minutes later, she says to me (in a very nice manner), “wouldn't you rather wait until after the holidays?” I replied “yes, I would, but I can't”. She said “I just thought it would be easier on the kids”. To which I replied “I can't see you every day”. Then I said “When you come home tomorrow, we need to discuss a kid schedule”. She said “ok”. D5 had a soccer game this morning and following that W and kids headed to her parents.

Guess I'll see them tomorrow and then I pack up and off I go. This really sucks, but maybe a dose of realism will help W see the light. Rope. Dropped.

X

[XYZ]

Meant to add that it actually feels good to have had some measure of control again...at least I'm making some of the decisions. Not the ones I want, but something.

[XYZ]

Just sent this email to W:

W-

We can discuss this tomorrow when you're home, but here is my proposal for the kids for the time being:

* I'd pick them up from school on Mondays and Wednesday and they'd come stay with me at mom & dads.

* I'd drop them off at school on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the mornings.

* I'd have them on Saturday (with pick up at home or after soccer) and drop them off on Sunday morning (I'm thinking after church, I want to start going and would like to take them).


We can discuss tomorrow and I'm happy to be flexible if this schedule doesn't work for you.

X

[XYZ]

Guess I hit a nerve...

Instant email back from W: "my first thoughts is that you have them almost the entire weekend and I am not agreeable to that" My reply "ok".

Then immediate TM: W: "Do you really think we need to start shifting the kids around right away as opposed to you picking them up from school, spending time with them and them staying at home so they can get adjusted?"

Me: "No my preference, but I see no other choice given the situation. You and I (and them) must get used to the new reality and we can't pretend that it's not happening"

Her: “Not about pretending – it's about easing them into it”

Me: “We can discuss tomorrow. I just wanted you to have the opportunity to have time to think about where I am before we discuss it.”

Her: “That is understandable Wouldn't leave much weekend time with me – church is held during the week as well.

Me: “Ok, I'm flexible.”

Her: “Surprised you thought that much of the weekend was acceptable. And so much off that bat”

Me: “I was thinking noon to noon. That's about half.”

Welcome to the new reality, W.

[XYZ]

Any comments on how I did? Good or not so good...