My Wife Wants to Separate

[DeterminedFather]

Hi,
We have been married 14 years, have 3 children, S 13, D 11 and S 9.

The PastAfter we had children my wife turned 100% of her attention to the children with little for me.
My Wife Wants to Separate

Hi,
We have been married 14 years, have 3 children, S 13, D 11 and S 9.

The PastAfter we had children my wife turned 100% of her attention to the children with little for me.

My wife and I have had seen a MC on and off over the past 5 years, she wasn't happy with our lack of communication and aggreement on a variety of subjects: parenting, money mgmt, in-laws, my lack of social skills, ability to always say the wrong thing, etc. It didn't see to be just me. She has a pattern of getting into fights and cutting people off. Since we have been married she has cut off contact with her two brothers, her mother, one of my brothers and my parents. Her parents divorced when she was young and she hasn't had any contact with her father since then. We also moved 5 years ago after she got into many fights with people and she didn't feel the town was right for her.

She has excuses for most of the personal issues she experienced including with her mother 10 years ago when we got a visit by the state social services after my MIL's minister reported his converstation with MIL to Dept of social services. The case was closed without any finding of abuse.

I tried to help the family issues by cutting off contact with my parents and supporting her in cutting off her mother but family means a lot to me so I did reconnect with both my parents. I also brought our children out to see her mother because of the kids. This was a big mistake because it resulted in my wife feeling that "yet again, I didn't support her".

She is mostly a very good mother except when she gets angry and starts yelling. My oldest son seems to get the brunt of it. I suspect it's because he's very similar in traits to me (non-social, critical of others, not considerate of others and lacking empathy) and those are the same things that she dislikes in me. There have been atleast 4 or 5 times in the past year that my son has told me that his mother hates him.

She started threating separation and divorce 4 years ago. She wanted me to leave but was so upset she was going to leave. We did go to another two MCs with little success. Both of our parents divorced when we were about 10yo and I didn't want my kids to experience that either. W on the other hand is convinced that D is the best thing for the kids since they see us "fighting" now. Actually all they see is her being distant/cold to me and either me or W sleeping on couch.

In the past year she went to IC and got her problems figured out. She felt it was my turn to go to IC, and change myself. I didn't move fast enough. I did get anti-depression meds but no IC.

The Present
Last Sunday we had a problem where my S13 had minor frostbite on his finger because I made the mistake of treating his sprained hand (baseball injury) by wrapping an ice pack to his hand with an ACE bandage. It was painful for him most of this week but it looks like there is no permanent damage. I was so upset about causing injury to my child. I couldn't believe what I had done. I'm not sure why I didn't listen to him when he said it hurt with the ice on it.

On Tuesday my wife said that she was thru and wanted me to move out. I didn't say yes or no. I asked her for a final chance to save our M while I stayed here. Big mistake in DB'ing as I now know.

By Thursday she was angrier still and said she was going to contact a lawyer to get me thrown out of the house. Friday after talking to the lawyer she learned she couldn't get a restraining order against me. She asked me to move out again and felt that I was forcing my choice (staying in the house and working MA) on her. I calmy told her that I didn't want to move out and since she was so unhappy that she should move out. Talking to some people convinced me that leaving would damage my chances at joint custody, not 100% sure about that. After I stopped saying my part she said that I was a despicable person and that I don't have the kids best interest in mind and that there was no way that we would ever get back together again. Afer a couple of minutes of listening to her insult me I said we should stop now and talk again Saturday. I was very calm about it.

Well, today she says that since I won't move out she is going to get an apt rental (2 or 3 bdrm) big enough for her to take the kids. She has visited several apts and want to sign a 1 year lease. She feels that she can legally take the kids. Not sure if that's the case in MA. She wants to move out for Nov 1st, she can't take the stress of living here.

While I was out today she told the two older children that she was looking for a new place for the 4 of them to live and took them to look at apts.

After youngest son and I got back from soccer game my W proceeded to tell youngest son that we are splitting up.

Needless to say I was mad that she couldn't control her emotions and wait for us to talk the children together. Given my W's lack of self control I wasn't suprised that she would do it. I stayed calm and didn't tell her what I really thought.

QuestionsAfter the fight she said she had wanted us to get one small apt so we could each take turns moving out. That would be a temporary situation (1year or less) while we tried to work things out. Now she said that the offer is off the table and her moving out (with kids) is going to be permanent solution.

Does having one apt and taking turns even seem realistic to anyone? Should I try to get her to do that in the best interests of the kids?

On the other hand her moving out with kids doesn't seem feasible either. Paying for a small apt will be hard enough, paying for a large is harder. Over the years my wife has gotten 3 dogs and one bird. (When we aren't cleaning up after the kids we are cleaning up after the animals.)

On the other hand me trying to keep custody doesn't seem to make sense either She works part-time and is home 100% of the time when the kids are out of school. My job requires a 40-60 minute commute and 40 to 50 hours a week.

Should I agree to move out and get an apt?

I did tell her today after our arguments that we should do what's best for the kids, I would focus on working on the separation and not mention any future possiblities of reconcilement. Did I say too much?

How should I be acting if she wants me to move out and I don't want to?

me 44
W 42
Married 1995
S13, D11, S9