I've booked my flights! I'm off to Perth on the 11th November. I feel a little nervous about starting somewhere again but it'll be exciting.
Well, I think I have moved a step forward in the me/ Joe saga. I realised that throughout the whole time we were dating in my head I was sure there was something wrong with me and that it was only a matter of time before he realised that. I was waiting for him to walk away and panicking that he would so that is why I took it *so* personally when he pulled away. I had a long conversation with Lisa and chatted through what was actually wrong with me - clearing the wood from the trees.
I spent last night just relaxing and making myself chill out and I decided to just be normal, instead of trying to be cool with him or second guess what was going on. He came home at about 12.00 from work and I went downstairs to say hello. We actually had a rare moment together. I didn't initiate any relationship talk, it came out naturally that basically what was wrong was that he was exhausted, he works very long hours on his feet and ends up sleeping during the day. He told me that he was just so tired all the time so I stood up and gave him a hug just because he looked like he needed one. We hugged for ages and then he pulled me onto his lap and we just hugged more. When I pulled away he said 'I didn't tell you to let go yet'
Then the inevitable, people came and joined us *rolling my eyes*. This morning I cooked breakfast for him and another guy as we rotate cooking breakfast and he was so appreciative and told me I was amazing. All my assumptions were wrong about what was going on and it feels so reassuring that what he was doing (in what I thought was pulling back etc) was actually nothing to do with me or who I am.
I've decided to just enjoy the next 3 weeks taking all pressure off myself, and him and keep everything in my life casual - Joe, work, the people at the hostel. It also felt good to make the decision about where I am going next rather than waiting on someone else, I am following my own plan again and if he or I's plan entertwine then it is meant to be and if not then I have learnt so much.
