Any thoughts?

[MrBond]

First off stop analyzing every little thing she does. It's more control on your part. Understand that she's a grown up and is going to do what she wants.

Second, based off of your history, it's easy to see why she keeps believing you are controlling. You've pretty much gone off and done what you've wanted to (even negative) and she's had no say in changing your mind. What you're doing is more of the same.

By acknowledging her thoughts, you are doing just that - acknowledging how she feels. You say that you understand why she feels the way she does based on your history and you validate her feelings. It's not 'agreeing' to her decisions, just that she has a right to feel how she's feeling.

It's also why she gets P.O.'d that you don't call back right away. It's you being more controlling in terms of you doing things when YOU feel like doing it.

In the past it was like you didn't give a damn about what she or anyone else felt. Well now you're suffering the consequences. Tell her something like "you know, I've been doing some thinking and you're right. I have been lazy in the past and controlling. For that I deeply apologize for all the hurt it's caused." Or something like that.

Keep it short and sweet.

[NotCrackingUp]

KEM,

Even when you do take responsibility for your part in the problem, like Mr bond tells you to, and even if it feels hard and unjust, your W may not budge an inch from her anger for a time. My situation is different, there was (is still?) a third party in the offing, but when my H dropped the bomb and until he moved out, he was continually angry and nasty no matter how I "validated" his having felt unloved etc. I bent over backwards to apologise for my part in our problem, listen to his feelings... But he was in an angry stage where all I did and said was bad. He couldn't even look at me or hear my voice without losing it and being nasty. That anger lasted about 5 months or more, until quite recently. It's a phase, even if they're sure of being in the right, their conscience is hurting them and a certain amount of shame comes out as anger against us. At least, that's what I've made out. Even now, it's still there under the surface, ready to blow if I contradict him in some way, or something upsets his plans.


I've no advice, others are better at that. Good work staying calm when she's cross. I'd avoid e-mails, though. Early on in my situation, I wrote 2 e-mais and a letter to my H. He never answered, just read them and they made no difference to his attitude. If anything, they just toughened his resolve.

Maybe your D does need to see someone, with you two, if only once or twice. Seeing you fighting and apart confuses her and she's too small to express it. My eldest said to me that she thought she shouldn't exist anymore, since the 2 people whose love made her weren't together anymore. The same kind of thoughts could be half-formed in your D's head, only she can't say them like that. A third party, a therapist could help her understand and help you find ways of communicating about and around her, not "through" her.
That's just my point of view.
Good luck.
NCU

[KEM]

W always begins to let her guard down and start feeling things again and then a third party (family member, attorney, etc.) intervenes and she is a completely different person. I can always tell when she has spoken to someone else that encourages divorce. She starts having a completely different attitude.

I took Mr. Bond's suggestion and tried a short and sweet validation. Although, I didn't apologize for anything this time as I have already done so several times. It took a while but she did finally respond with a simple 'thank you.'

I do think I need to be careful that when she contacts me I need to be responsive, but not be 'sitting by the phone.' Other than that I need to stay detached as best I can. It is stil a learning process. I know her well enough to know that she was obviously feeling guilt b/c she doesn't know what she is running from anymore.

I also see that she feels I am still trying to control her (at least from her viewpoint) by trying to change her mind. I'm the last person she wants to give the satisfaction of 'giving in to.' So, I always pray that a different third party that values marriage will intervene and encourage her to save our family. C'est la vie. Laissez le bon temps rouler.

[MrBond]

"I also see that she feels I am still trying to control her "
Because you are. When you finally figure that out, you'll know how to interact with her more positively.

[KEM]

I think I'm getting it. Slowly, but getting it. I am trying to control her - how she responds to me, what she should think, trying to change her mind, etc. etc. I should just let her make the contacts with me when she is comfortable and let her guide herself. She'll let me know when she's ready - as evidenced when she does reach out to me. I went back and reviewed my journal and noticed how everytime I did something that was controlling, she pulled back. Yet, when I left her to herself she would engage me. I thought she was engaging me just b/c I was 'dark.' But that wasn't it. She saw me as not controlling her. Most the times I still responded to her contacts. This last time I didn't respond to her at all (completely ignored her)and she saw me as controlling again. And I was - trying to control her response, etc. Saw it from a different viewpoint. Thank you, Mr. Bond.

[KEM]

Even a simple text of Good Night from me is controlling b/c I'm trying to get a response from her. That's why when she says it to me, it's ok - b/c it is her choice - not me forcing her.

[Lost Rabbit]

Well theres your 180 KEM back off, she is a grown woman and yes it will kill you to let her find out the hard way but you must!
And without telling her I told you so!

Phone calls, let her leave a message sometimes, if youre need for D3 dont leave it too long to ring back, yes she might be trying to see if she can pull your chain, so keep the conversation to D3 and dont get drawn into R talks, you shouldnt be going there anyway, its too early. If W brings some thing up, validate her feelings, if you dont agree say "I understand how you feel at the moment but its not some thing I feel or want to do which ever it is!

When ever H told me I wanted a divorce I just said "you know my feelings on the subject and they havent changed" and just walked away. NC is always more difficult when a child is involved, mine is a grown up but I had to ask him not to tell his dad everything I was doing as it was actually none of his business now, it was hard to keep mystery up with him blabbing all the time!

They will stay angry for some time, and then it will float back and forth even when youre getting some where.. Thats when you really have to hold your line! Honestly your story sounds a lot like mine, your W and my H felt they wernt being heard and could never get through, feel free to go read my story, it took a long time for me to break down H's walls but we did get there in the end!

[KEM]

LR,

Thank you. I read your thread. I will continue trying not to let the daily ups and downs wear on me and remind myself of the long term goal of saving our family. I look forward to the day W finally breaks down her wall and feels she can rely on me again.

[KEM]

Having a hard couple of days. Trying to stay upbeat. Thought we were making progress again and then the past several days I feel we have gone backwards.

[sandi2]

Maybe instead of giving the MR a grade for each day, stay focused on your personal goals. When we set expectations for a MR then we are going to have those days that seem to fall short of what we wanted. Being human beings, that will happen a lot.