Darker days ahead

[DumpedforMIL]

But.. this is what the world tells us. As boys we are taught women need to be "coddled". To a man this is the epitome of what we should do.. "Provide and Protect".

i guess to me, that's mind reading. how do you know that's what i want? or what another woman wants? not every woman wants the same thing.

someone on another thread said it best. it's not about financial security .. it's about being able to "handle it" when life throws curve balls at you. and you know what? my h threw hissy fits and panicked when life threw a small change-up at him. "omg, how do i put this presentation together for the vp?!" .. you're a senior manager and you're freaking out? i had to calm him down and i got the presentation started for him. and i'm just a pee-on.

is that about money? no, and i started seeing more and more of it. that when life throws things at you, you have to be able to handle it .. at least, don't show that you can't. it made me less and less confident in his ability. that's how i ended up with the non-emotional lead role.

I harp on this so much.. but I will do it again.. It is all about the OP's perspective and the "Emotion" that they are looking at the situation with. If things are not working.. you can get angry.. or frustrated.. or tired of doing things. This sets into motion that person looking back on their life with "colored" glasses. It is not any different that the LBS looking at the situation in front of them.. and acting a fool.. or hiding in the bedroom.. or becoming stuck.

it's all perception. but it sounds like you're saying to make accusations like that is really meant to hurt the other person because the OP is frustrated that things aren't working. like a woman withholds sex so a man makes hurtful accusations at her. how does that solve anything?

Don't compare the advice given to someone here.. to your "stitch" or thoughts. Even if you have read it all.. there is a possibility that someone has a different perspective.

but if our sitches aren't unique, then most advice would apply to all sitches.

i think it's the wrong message to send. we want financial responsibility .. not financial security. the latter implies that we are gold diggers looking for a sugardaddy.

having financial security is like having unlimited funds and you can buy whatever you want.

being financially responsible, forgetting to pay the electricity bill, or spending beyond your means.

to me, those are two different things.

At the end of the day.. you are looking for someone to provide and protect you.. we all are. It may not be money or a home in your "stitch"... but it very well might be in someone else's.

for sure. but i will think twice about wanting someone to provide and protect me. there will always be a voice that says "don't be fooled by these empty promises. it's a trojan horse that will come back and bite you."

So.. step one is important? Save yourself? How do you explain that to someone that does not want to hear it?

you tell them to go talk to D4MIL. the way i "saw" it was from reading other threads. i saw how others were frazzled and trying to implement the advice being given by others and failing miserably. and you start to look at why this was happening. if this advice is being given by a vet who has been there, why isn't it working? then you realize the person isn't in the right frame of mind to start doing the work. this problem still exists in newcomers.

I have come to realize that no matter how you say it.. they won't listen.

we're in our own fog. however, you have to let them experience what it's like to be completely powerless and rotten. only then, can they decide that they don't want that.

I suspect that in doing "that" you change your perspective on the situation.

i kept asking myself why i kept wanting to teach him a lesson. and yes, he may not get it. but it wasn't until i described what saying my piece would mean .. is when i figured out that teaching him a lesson was my way of standing up for myself instead of being a doormat.

I believe that if you are going to go the "hard" way.. you have to have a personal mentor that is available at a moments notice. Or just have tons of self control.

i don't advocate going gucci or robx .. i look at whether the person is in the right frame of mind to say/do anything.

but mainly because from my perspective you have a chance if you listen.

perhaps. my ic is trying to get me to stop focusing on my h or my m. in her perspective, our m was doomed from the start. now that oughta be a mood lifter.

If you can wake up.. and put this crap behind you.. smile.. and do your thing.. you are off to an awesome start.

it's a struggle to do this.
i have spewed so much crap that it's pretty freaky. i do it to let it out of my system. i have to be careful who i do it in front of.

What you fail to realize.. is that that person you are "looking down" on.. Got up.. put the crap behind them.. maybe smiled.. and did their thing.

i gotta turn the attention back on to me. otherwise, i'm gonna get a restraining order slapped on to me.

that was my second attempt at handwaving. i need to work on me!

I am still watching.. truth be told.. I am curious if you get different advice.

i'm not looking for different advice. i am giving others the chance to look at my sitch and then look at their own and maybe say "mine isn't so bad cuz D4MIL has it worse!"

i have a tendency to seek advice from a variety of sources but in my attempts here, i have stuck by FG's advice.

It will be interesting to "see" how it pans out. Personally.. I still think you have a chance. But.. if all you do is walk away with your head held high.. I am OK with that.

the lack of communication is causing me not to see anything. and i'm tired of waiting for the fog to clear. the longer he stays in this fog, the less of a chance we have. they say it takes 6 months for a guy to bounce back and find someone new. i'm sure he's having the time of his life with a new gold digger .. err .. girlfriend.

me? i'm just waiting for my home to be built. waiting for the SA to be finalized. i want to be confident, happy, and radiant on the day i sign those documents. and that's my goal.

i want to stop this insanity.. maybe this real separation is going to help me. i can stop going out to show that i have a life. i can sit at home and meditate and enjoy reading or watching tv for a change.

D4MIL