I am pretty certain now that my H is deep in to some kind of affair. Not sure if it is EA or PA, but probably both. It makes everything fit. Like how after the ILYBNILWY bomb he would pull away every time our relationship improved or I made progress concerning any of the issues he had raised. Looks like he may have already had an EA with OW as far back as May. I have phone records that show me something was going on and it was when H started to be more and more grumpy and critical.
After holding onto my reactions for about 2 weeks and suffering through H’s ‘no contact’ I decided I could think rationally about what to do. I had decided that not telling H of my suspicions felt too much like lying. I also believe that H had at one point been trying to get caught. I think he wants me to blow up at him and retaliate so he doesn’t have to be the one to end the marriage. That way he even gets to blame me in front of his family. I was getting legal papers in order because I felt a confrontation would maybe start the divorce process.
2 days before the day I had picked to tell him of my suspicions, H comes over to check some financial stuff. Ends up staying for about 3 hours doing family stuff and starting to (finally!) talk to me! He talked about stuff he NEVER brings up, like his abusive birth father abandoning him as a kid. We held each other tight as we talked for a while. He said he wanted to come on Sunday and Wednesday to talk and work on stuff at the house. He was worried about getting to see our daughter enough. On and on, but very slowly. The man looked terrified and guilty.
My gut instinct is that H fully intended to avoid spending time with me and maybe tell me about the affair. Instead he didn’t want to, at least not right then. I think he is reconsidering his decision. When he sounded guilty about needing to make a decision I told him not to worry and to take as much time as he needed to be sure he made the right decision. I think I need to continue what seems to be working. Being kind. Listening. Waiting for him to open up.
As far as the affair, either it is happening or not. I am still committed to my marriage. If I give him the opportunity to confess I believe it would make healing easier than if he were caught or forced to confess. I am also afraid of undoing all the progress we have made if he is having second thoughts about leaving.
