Ominus Bonus

[steady]

Sitch is still the same. Working on the D stuff. The court date for oral arguments to her Pendente Lite motion is November 8.

Two weeks ago I saw her on a Sat at my son's psychiatrist appointment. She started in with me and I completely ignored her and walked away. This email I sent her explains it all - I really don't feel like typing it again.

After the meeting with S's psychiatrist we went to my vehicle with the kids. As we were walking to your vehicle you started complaining to me about how I handled coming to S's appointment. You said, "Why did you say a number of times you would see the kids on Monday and then just show up here unannounced?" I decided to ignore this statement and continued walking toward your vehicle with our children walking in front of me and you walking behind me. You continued to talk but I did not pay attention to what you were saying.

When we got to your vehicle and you opened the back hatch you said, "That was a really bright move. Really good going." Again, I chose to ignore that statement and continue interacting with our children and putting D into the car. Both children were saying 'I want to be with you Daddy' a number of times. This is nothing new and happens any time we are in a situation where one of us is leaving our children. When I said goodbye to our children I then started walking to my car. You followed behind me and began talking again. As I recall you said, "I had a whole plan to keep this very thing from happening and you ruined it..." (I'm assuming you were talking about D fussing about me leaving) There were other things you said but I did not pay attention to them. Rather, while still walking away, I said, "I can't hear you. I think you're talking about D fussing but that only lasts a minute or two and I can't hear her still doing it so it must already be done." I then got into my car and drove away.

Your statement you made about 'a really bright move' was a disparaging remark made in front of both S and D. I understand you said it in a lower than normal tone but it's inappropriate to say in front of our children.

On Sunday I walked into Office Depot and saw you and D standing by the copy center. I walked toward the ink aisle and D saw me. I decided to walk over to the two of you. After a brief encounter I went to get the ink I came there for and D came with me. You decided it was time to leave and came over to get D who was in my arms at this point. I handed her over to you as D was fussing and saying she wanted to stay with me. I told her I was going to work and said she would be bored there. As I handed her to you I said, "She's fine. It's part of life." I turned to walk away and heard you say, "This didn't have to happen if you learned how to control yourself." I ignored your statement and walked over to the register to pay.

At 12:09 I sent you the following text: "I can control myself perfectly fine. You seem unable to control your need to criticize me in front of the kids. Two days in a row. It needs to stop."

At 12:10 You responded - "Learn some boundaries."

At 12:13 I sent - "And what boundary is that?"

(After 10 minutes of you not responding)

At 12:23 I sent - "Baseless criticism with nothing to back it up"

You saying, 'This wouldn't have happened if you learned how to control yourself" is another disparaging remark made in front of D where she clearly heard you. This is two consecutive interactions where you felt the need to express your dissatisfaction with me not doing things as you think they should be done and did not control yourself from saying derogatory things about me in front of our children. What D needs to hear in that situation is she is fine and it is a part of life. Physical swaps and all kinds of separation situations will be unavoidable and they will be part of her life. Rather than trying to shield her from it, I think it's more prudent to teach her how to go through it in a healthy way. What she doesn't need to hear from either one of us is a statement like the one you made.

On both occasions I chose to ignore you rather than engage in an argument which is not healthy for our children or either one of us. There are better ways for us to get rid of any underlying anger, bitterness and resentment we may have toward each other. I would be willing to pursue any avenue which would make that possible. It would make our relationship softer and less abrasive, help with co-parenting and avoid any negative effects on our children. That's a goal I would like to reach.

I understand walking away from you is a rude and I myself don't like to be dismissed (as you already know). It is a better choice than the alternative which is to get into an argument with you in front of the kids (I'd rather not argue with you at all whether the children are there or not. Having a discussion about a disagreement is what I would rather have). I am working toward the point where I can stand there and listen to your complaint, or whatever you have to say, and then decide if I need to engage you in conversation or excuse myself. I'm sure I will be at that point soon. I've been working through therapy and my own self-work to remove the triggers which cause the defending and explaining which lead to arguing from my end. I don't want to teach our children to rudely dismiss people but would rather them have the ability to stand with balance and decide to engage or not. They will model our actions regardless of what we say, so the only way I know of teaching them this is for me to be able to do it. I feel this is one of many healthy traits to teach them.

Since you didn't tell me what boundary you think I crossed I can only guess it was your expectation I should not have come over to D in the store. I will never run away or hide from our children or ignore them when I see them in a public place or at any time/place for that matter - especially if they see me as D did. If you have an expectation that should happen, it's an expectation I won't fulfill. A boundary must be clear and stated to the other party in order for it to be a boundary. You did not state any expected boundary to me so it's impossible for me to judge if it is acceptable to me. Not expressing it to me is opposite of what a boundary is - instead it is a covert contract. Not expressing our expectations had been a big problem in our marriage from both our parts and I don't want to continue having it in my life. I'm only guessing at what I think the boundary you referred to is. If I am incorrect, please let me know.

As far as your remarks made on Saturday about me just 'showing up unannounced' I have the right to be at any doctor appointment scheduled for S and D. I also do not have to do things the way you think they should be done. I will often do things against your expectations - especially if I find your expectations unreasonable or you never express them to me. (I have zero ability to read minds)

I would like any criticism we may have about each other be expressed in private away from our children, or better yet, in a text or email. This will save all of us unnecessary aggravation and stress.

My goal is to have a smoother co-parenting relationship between us which has minimal conflict and no conflict when the kids are present. I think with some adjustments and a little bit of work on both our parts we can attain that.