Darker days ahead

[Forrest Gump]

"men telling other men that women need to feel financially secure in a relationship - yet, it is the men who turn around and accuse the women of marrying them for their money?"

But.. this is what the world tells us. As boys we are taught women need to be "coddled". To a man this is the epitome of what we should do.. "Provide and Protect". Is it not a normal and expected reaction that when things fall apart.. after they have done these things to the best of their ability.. to respond with "she can't "see" anything I have done?" I harp on this so much.. but I will do it again.. It is all about the OP's perspective and the "Emotion" that they are looking at the situation with. If things are not working.. you can get angry.. or frustrated.. or tired of doing things. This sets into motion that person looking back on their life with "colored" glasses. It is not any different that the LBS looking at the situation in front of them.. and acting a fool.. or hiding in the bedroom.. or becoming stuck.

Don't compare the advice given to someone here.. to your "stitch" or thoughts. Even if you have read it all.. there is a possibility that someone has a different perspective. At the end of the day.. you are looking for someone to provide and protect you.. we all are. It may not be money or a home in your "stitch"... but it very well might be in someone else's.

If you believe the information is being passed incorrectly.. or needs more definition.. jump in there and state your case.

Off we go...

"but i did discover that when i stop doing what works, i fall back into the downward spiral. let that be a lesson to the newbies who are working on themselves."

So.. step one is important? Save yourself? How do you explain that to someone that does not want to hear it?

Part of breaking the cycle in a "stitch" relies on the poster taking tiny.. little steps forward. It is the old.. you have to have a solid foundation to build on. I have come to realize that no matter how you say it.. they won't listen. So I distract them with "silly things". I usually come up with little things people can do get their mind off things. Then I watch the "tone" of the posting. Now that you have had your perspective changed.. go back and read your first posts. You might find that you laugh at yourself a bit. DB'ing or any "Save your Marriage" idea will have this basic principle as step one. How many books have been written about this? Why is getting your body and mind straight the FIRST thing you have to do?

I suspect that in doing "that" you change your perspective on the situation.

I could be wrong though.

"anyway, lesson #2 is that intel information must be used wisely. if there is clear evidence that there is an A going on, then yeah. but if there isn't, keeping tabs on him is a form of control and can leave you paralyzed. it has to stop."

Personally.. I would never post to someone that was trying the "hard" approach. In my mind it is thousands of times harder to pull it off. I have seen a few cases where it "worked". "Worked" is subjective in this case. Again.. IMO.. it takes a special person to do it. It requires that you be leaps and bounds above the "normal" poster "here" (DB.com). DB.. does allow for it. It can be effective. Michelle does not spend a lot of time on it though. I believe that if you are going to go the "hard" way.. you have to have a personal mentor that is available at a moments notice. Or just have tons of self control.

I have been here for a while.. not really an old timer yet.. but I am very selective about who I post to. Mostly because I don't have the time I used to.. but mainly because from my perspective you have a chance if you listen.

"i read somewhere that in order to move forward, i have to give back."

Well.. because I know where you read that.. let me just say this.

You can give back every day.. by just being yourself.

If you can wake up.. and put this crap behind you.. smile.. and do your thing.. you are off to an awesome start.

"Looking down" on "someone" does have the effect of making your life look better. It changes your perspective.

What you fail to realize.. is that that person you are "looking down" on.. Got up.. put the crap behind them.. maybe smiled.. and did their thing.

"i won't be posting here much anymore. i am working on my recovery elsewhere."

I am still watching.. truth be told.. I am curious if you get different advice.

"btw, i did the right thing for my separation agreement. no blood, no guts. just the right thing."

It will be interesting to "see" how it pans out. Personally.. I still think you have a chance. But.. if all you do is walk away with your head held high.. I am OK with that.