Those articles are indeed very funny. I like this excerpt about my cities public transportation...
Portland boasts a comprehensive public transportation system known as Tri-Met. Busses, light-rail trains, streetcars, freak-bikes, horses, and jet packs operated by public employees cover nearly every destination in the metropolitan area. Tri-Met is designed specifically with the needs of drug dealers, petty thieves and hobos in mind. The buses and trains provide an ideal drug distribution network; the new Green Line MAX train opening in September was specifically designed to ship meth into town from Clackamas. They also ferry rich people into poorer areas of the city, bringing a mugger's business to his door-step. Additionally, all Tri-Met vehicles are air-conditioned, which makes them a perfect place for the city's homeless to beat the heat. However, since Portland has one of the highest bicycle to homeless person ratios in the nation, homeless people seldom use the facilities.
In 2005 Tri-Met celebrated the fact that public transportation-caused deaths slipped to third place on the list of most common causes of death in Portland, preceded by police shootings and caffeine overdoses. Bus and train-related deaths had skyrocketed in previous years. City officials became particularly concerned after each driver began painting a pedestrian on his or her vehicle for each person killed. Tri-Met turned back the tide in 2002 by making the Employee of the Month award based solely on who had the fewest kills that month. So far the record is held by Bob Cockman, who killed only 22 people in June of 2006.
