Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

one thing I have noticed in your last few posts is the fact that you are analyzing everything - which is normal. but it is something that my IC told me I was doing to much of and that over analyzing every move he makes is causing me anxiety - which is very true!

I know that is why we detach, but when they initiate - how do we know what to do? All of this constant analyzing is driving me nuts.

I know you're right TAMF (and I'll try to call you tomorrow it's been crazy today). I have been analyzing A LOT. I think there is a fine line though. No, we have to be true to ourselves, but at the same time, there ARE things I can do to make things worse. I felt like I finally was starting to have a good handle on dealing with the MLCer H and now I have to relearn how to deal with a MLCer H that seems to kind of want to reconcile. It has definitely been tough on me to regain my balance and I guess my analyzing hasn't been so much on figuring out H (because I know that I really can't right now) but on trying to figure out how to balance my contact with him. And I'm still not sure I know the answer. I kept my IM off today and still received 6 emails and one phone call from him. None of which had ANY real importance other than one email asking if he could borrow the vacuum. The rest were funny pictures, funny links, funny stories etc. In fact, just in the time that I've been typing, I've received 3 more emails. A month ago, I would have mostly not responded since they didn't warrant responses. THAT action was unnatural for me. Now, given that he seems to be trying to reconcile, it seems like I SHOULD be responding. Therefore, for the most part, I have been.

Make this about YOU Alb. I agree with TAMF, stop trying to figure out if you do this or that how will your H deal with it and really just be YOU....

The new Alb...

Be true to you Alb - f*ck what I or anyone else tells you to do. Really this is your life.

Hells bells I'm trying. I'm doing what feels right. But I can't help but feeling like I'm in the battle for my life (given that H is in the midst of trying to decide between OW and me). I know I need to continue to work on me but it feels like the stakes are so much higher now. But I will continue to do the me stuff I need to do. Went to my coffee social yesterday. Have the performance of the play with my D on Friday and then Sunday we have another meeting with a group of people we've met recently. H has kind of invited himself to the play. I didn't invite him but he made a kind of off-handed flirty remark today that he wants to be there.

Now get back to steppin or pole dancing

No worries on THAT Eric! I am LOVING my classes. And yes, like PEI said, it KICKS your butt (and makes it a lovely shape over time). I think the pole dancing has been doing a number on my H brain in a funny way. Since he knows about it now, I'm not shy about telling him what class I'm taking each week. The class this week is called "Strip and Chair" I'll just let him chew on that.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Evil.
Perfect.

[ericmsant2]

Alb,

Hells bells I'm trying. I'm doing what feels right. But I can't help but feeling like I'm in the battle for my life (given that H is in the midst of trying to decide between OW and me).

I think doing what feels right is probably the best approach. At the end of the day you need to be YOU. Everything else is a “trick” and/or behavior that is NOT sustainable. Just be yourself…the new YOU that is.

In terms of the battle for your life – you SHOULD NOT feel that way. You are putting WAY too much pressure on yourself. This shouldn’t be a battle. Patience Alb…patience. Good things come to those that wait. That would be good things for YOUR H and FOR YOU. R’s are a two way street.

I know I need to continue to work on me but it feels like the stakes are so much higher now. But I will continue to do the me stuff I need to do.

Once again…”stakes”? IMO, this isn’t about stakes right now. This should be about YOU learning the new you and living it and also learning the new him. He probably is and will not be the same person that you knew. So once again patience….patience….

Give your mind a little break from time to time.

Let me ask you this question?

Will you survive if he decides to switch gears and remain with OM?

You know I know what your answer is, which is YES.

Keep reminding yourself of this. You will be fine no matter what.

Do for YOU Alb. Be the Alb that YOU really want to be. If it feels natural go with it. Stop putting the pressure on yourself. Please.

This did not break overnight and it will not get fixed overnight.

Your pressin…

Your getting a little impatient.

Stop and breath….you’ll do fine.

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for the pep talk Eric. You're right. I will be fine. I know this. I was secure in my ways and this rapid change of circumstance has done a number on me. I think I'm regaining my composure though.

Funny thing happened today. H texted me and asked me to lunch. I accepted. We had Chinese. I open my fortune cookie and I KID YOU NOT, this is what it said

"Someone close to you will attempt reconciliation"

I am not a believer in coincidence, fate, signs etc. So I don't think it means anything than funny luck. But when H asked what mine was, talk about AWKWARD!!!!

H is definitely joining us for our play performance tonight. Should be interesting!

[ericmsant2]

Alb,

Your fortune cookie stories is funny. Just so that you know, the comment in my sig came from a fortune cookie that I opened about 2 weeks ago.

Fate? Who knows?

Good luck tonight.

Eric

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

It's been a very busy weekend. Attended a gamers convention this weekend which is something I'd never thought I'd do. The play that D and I were involved in was part of the convention. As a result, we ended up attending various other events. My H has always had a mild interest in gaming and used to have a circle of friends when we lived in the midwest that shared a similar interest. When we moved, he lost touch and never made another circle of friends. So when he attended the play that D and I were in, he also ended up staying and going to various events with us. It has definitely re-energized his interest and he's been looking at buying some games and even joining the same group I already joined to meet some new people. Very interesting.

As a result, we spent nearly all weekend together. Friday night was the performance and then we went out for a late late dinner and got home about 1 am. Saturday we spent the afternoon at the convention. In the evening, I took D to her first formal dance, and so was solo until midnight. H didn't really formally ask but talked about the evening as our "date night". We had discussed going back to the convention later that evening, but when he came over to the house, he wanted to try a few more of his drink concoctions. Well one thing led to another and continuing with my previously used baseball analogy, he hit a hell of a homerun. I didn't really plan to go there since I know that OW is still mildly in the picture, but I honestly didn't fight myself too hard. I kind of knew, the way the R has been progressing, that it was probably going to happen. I'm not sure about the wisdom of it, but the fact that he can't easily pop back into bed with her without hopping on a plane first, makes it slightly easier for me to deal with. The strange thing was though, that we spent a great portion of our "baseball evening" discussing our R. He told me a lot of things he continues to mull over in his mind. He's still very conflicted and I know that. One of our biggest R issues was sex. So to have this animalistic attraction to one another now is quite a change. I think a lot of it (at least on my end) has to do with my inner peace and confidence with myself.

When we went to pick D up from the dance, he continued to kind of worry about the M "returning to the way it was". I told him flat out, my job was not to convince him of anything. He looked shocked at me and said "that's extremely profound". I didn't ask why (partially because I was still metabolizing alchohol). But I meant it. He's conflicted. I get it. I am sorry about that. But nothing I say REALLY matters. If it takes my CONVINCING him to come back, I'm not sure I really want him. I want him to WANT to come back.

Sunday was another day spent at the convention. H and I spent most of it just talking while D was enjoying some games. By the end of the weekend, I almost felt like I was starting to overdose on H. It actually got me wondering how I managed to live with him 24 hours a day without feeling suffocated. The answer is that he's a workaholic. Even when at home, he used to stay in his office and work so I don't think we ever really had that problem. I find it interesting that not ONCE during the entire weekend did he opt OUT of doing anything using the "I have to work" excuse. And I might add that at no point during the weekend did I INVITE him to anything. He decided to join us. This is all quite a new situation.

So he's seen IC twice now. I'm not sure if he's scheduled to see her again or not. He hasn't told me and I'm not asking. Tonight is sushi night so I was expecting to see him for dinner. But he already told me that if D was done with her homework early today, he wanted to take us both to a music store, prior to her martial arts class and dinner. So it may be another busy afternoon/evening with H.

Overall I'm feeling more stable with myself. I'm happy with myself. I can see how the changes I've made have benefited me. I can see how the changes I've made have made me more attractive to H even though they weren't done for that purpose. And most importantly, I can see how the changes I've made NECESSITATE certain changes in H in order for a reconciliation to occur. I'm not forcing anything. But I now function in a very different way and as a result, H will have to change. I think he's starting to see that. There have been numerous occasions where he's asked (in a good way) "who are you?!". Perhaps bringing sex back in to the R was a mistake. But I can honestly say I don't regret it. And I can honestly say that it will probably happen again. I may get 2 x 4s about it. If so, that's fine since I always welcome opinions/discussion. But as Eric once said, I at least get to say "I got some!!"

[Jack_Three_Beans]

gamers convention?

Like video games?

[Albuquerque]

Not only video games but role playing games, sci fi, horror movies etc. Yes, there were people dressed up as zombies, fairies, captain america etc. It was hilarious and I totally enjoyed the nerd invasion. I don't fit the mold and readily admit that most who do, tend to have some social and personal hygiene issues. But I still managed to find it interesting and had a genuinely good time. People who don't take themselves too seriously can be a good group to be around.

[TAMF]

Al - you have been a busy little bee haven't you? I knew you would hit a home run sooner rather than later! It seems like things are on the right path. But who am I to give an opinion? my sitch is so messed up right now I don't know which way is up. Sounds like you are having fun with your family. That is important for D - no matter what.

by the way...found the guy from the tarot card reading. It's not good. I am a mess. but okay.

[Albuquerque]

Brief update,

As expected, our hormones have taken control and H and I have been busy little bees. This week has been a little crazy. But both H and I have openly questioned whether introducing sex into our R was the right thing. Neither one of us really had a good answer. The emotion, the passion, the desire was certainly there. But there is STILL an OW vaguely in the picture and H still has a lot of personal work he has to do (and he readily admits this). I was taking it one day at a time and trying to do what felt right and it didn't really feel THAT wrong. And yet there were parts that did. I realized that I was holding myself back at times with things I would say and do via text or email, because I felt it was a bit TOO intimate. Which sounds weird given the fact that we were having sex, but I think most of you can agree there is a deeper element involved and that is what seemed muddy.

I handle stress very well. 13 years of education AFTER high school has made me able to handle almost any stressful situation with a calm, cool, and collected head. HOWEVER, the stress is still there. As it happens, I often only realize I am stressed when I start to notice physical ailments. Well yesterday, I had a tension headache that would NOT stop no matter what treatment I used. By the evening, it got manageable and I made some dinner and H came over. We had a great evening and D enjoyed his visit. We have been somewhat hiding our evolving relationship from D because nothing has really been decided. Last night, I had trouble sleeping because of yet another tension headache. It was then that I realized that this whole situation has really been stressing me out a lot more than I cared to admit. I realized that I'm not being absolutely true to myself. I THOUGHT I wanted to pursue a physical R with H (and it was fun don't get me wrong). But that's NOT what I really want. I want him to WANT to be with me. I want him to CHOOSE to be with me. And he readily admits he's not there yet. And I have grown to the point where I'm not willing to settle. The stress that I was experiencing was my body telling me that I was NOT doing what I needed to be doing for my own mental well-being.

So this morning I talked to H via phone about what I was experiencing and my thoughts on backing off our physical R. He completely understood especially since it was already something we were both questioning the entire time. I told him I didn't think taking a TOTAL step back in our R was good either since that seemed just as weirdly wrong. His voluntarily spending time with D and I at various events and even just hanging out at the house has been very enjoyable.

So this continues to be a rocky road. I can't really say we're on the road to reconciliation because I don't think that can happen until he drops OW. I'm not sure how long that will take (IF it happens). I appreciate that he's been very open with me about his thoughts and is continuing to see an IC. His next appt is on Monday. I'll continue to be me, continue to better myself, and continue to make sure that any decisions are in MY best interest. That's the only way that this R can truly heal.