On the other man issue she would have to be willing to immediately tell me if be contacts her, and then I would want access to her lines of communication. Which if we were still married I don't think it would be a reach. With us being sep/divorced she's not going to do all that, plus it would come off as controlling.
I understand the difference, I shouldn't peruse and I should lead her to peruse me, but that where I don't understand. Am I leading her by saying I need you to commit to leaving the other man behind and working on our marriage or that's it for me. Or am I leading by sitting back and letting her pursue me
On the other man issue she would have to be willing to immediately tell me if be contacts her, and then I would want access to her lines of communication. Which if we were still married I don't think it would be a reach. With us being sep/divorced she's not going to do all that, plus it would come off as controlling.
It's not controlling if you ask her what she would be willing to do to help you regain trust.
That requires an answer from her.
Besides it is not controlling anyway to require healthy boundaries that are required for trust and respect.
Depending on your W's mindset right now, she may see that not applicable because you are separated.
You'll find out how she thinks when she answers you.
First she has to be attracted to you. Then she has to want to work on the R. Then she has to make this known to you.
The first three steps are all about her. You can make yourself attractive to her by being strong, confident, and frankly, showing her you don't give a damn. Channel your inner Rhett Butler.
That's why you don't pursue her at all. She needs to think she's lost you for good; she might not feel that way until/if her EA ends. But you need to move on, and not just in a pretend fashion, nor as a tactic to win her back.
First she has to be attracted to you. Then she has to want to work on the R. Then she has to make this known to you.
You will be attractive if you don't pursue, push or nag. You will be attractive when you get her to respect you. You will get respect when you set your boundaries. She will see that you are fighting for her without you saying a word about it.
She will let you know when she is ready to talk about R.
"OK, that is your choice but I do know what I want. I know my decison now. I'll have my L start the process."
You lead. No anger or tears. She can't commit and that's her choice.
This is what i keep going back to pookie. Is this what i need to do right now, or should i continue on making me a better me for me and not do this. Or is me bringing this to a head to show her that i will walk and unless she says anything but ok ill commit to try, the right thing to do?
You don't ask her anything. You simply state what you will do. Then back it up with action. Better yet, don't even state what you're going to do, just do it. Women see talk as cheap.
And of course keep on making you a better you.
Read the last chunk of my sitch. I had my plans for most scenarios. Once I knew that she couldn't/wouldn't commit to rebuilding our relationship, it was simple to pick the right plan to follow. I knew that a loveless marriage was the last thing I'd ever want.
You have to have the strength to know what you want, what your N.U.T.s are, what your values are. Know when you can compromise and when you need to dig your heels in regardless of how painful it can become.
"You will be attractive if you don't pursue, push or nag. You will be attractive when you get her to respect you. You will get respect when you set your boundaries. She will see that you are fighting for her without you saying a word about it.
She will let you know when she is ready to talk about R."
Pookie you commented on the above.. so let me ask you, if a WAW starts talking R before you have a confirmation of the end of an EA does that mean you are asking her to respect a boundry that no longer needs to exist? Ie the EA could be over?
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
