You got that right, sister. It took me forever before I would tell my H I was sorry. One reason was b/c I thought he acted so self-rightous when he said I hadn't even apologized to him, but the second reason was b/c of my closed heart. It sure made a difference in my sleep, once I did. But, do you know that he sat there while the tears streamed down my face and never said a word? I wanted to shake him! (No, not really.) I could see it in his eyes. He had forgiven me long ago--but he needed to hear it and I needed to say it.
Hi sandi2 - welcome back to my thread!
I know there is a lot of pride involved, a lot of emotion involved. I like how you describe it as having a closed heart. If my W only knew, if she was to open her heart back up and show me the pain, and sorrow, and remorse that I know is in there, she wouldn't get any judgment or anger in response, because I know I failed too. It will require an enormous leap of faith for her to trust that though. Until she finds the courage, or desperation, to do that, my marriage is dead, and I have to live for myself. Life goes on.
A friend of mine is a WAW who considered herself to be in a dead marriage, told her H she was leaving, started an EA, moved out and advanced the EA to a PA. It was a disaster. She had this other guy propped up as the savior of her life, when in reality, he had nowhere near the same investment in her. She totally compromised her self respect, and kept offering herself to him, even though he treated her in a take her or leave her manner, getting involved with other women, telling her they mean nothing to him, etc. After a year of this h*ll, she finally started seeing it for what it was, and became mortified at her behavior. She knows what she did was wrong, was destructive, and was not at all what she thought it was. The problem is, her XH has shown her nothing but anger and contempt and judgment, leaving no room for any possible healing. Her heart is sealed closed toward him, and their marriage is hopelessly dead.
