Alright pookie and coach or anyone else who wants to add a response. I feel like I've grasped most of what has been said now and I'm going to wait for her to contact me then lead her. What I want to know now is once we talk and I tell her about the other guy needing to be out of the picture and ask what more she can do then just give me her word, and validate her feelings on we should have done things in the past not to be here, we should be out with friends etc. Once I tell her that this is what I need and if she wants to be part of a happy marriage then I need her to meet me to do that, what do I do if she says I don't know? I'm not going to chase plead or any of the other negative stuff, but do I say something like if you can't do this then there is nothing else to talk about. Or do I just say okay bye and let it be. Or is there some way for me to validate her I don't know? Thanks
As one who just tried this. Be ready for a non-answer. A, "I wan't to end it, but for the right reasons" or "I think you are being too controlling". Reason won't work.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
"OK, that is your choice but I do know what I want. I know my decison now. I'll have my L start the process."
You lead. No anger or tears. She can't commit and that's her choice.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"OK, that is your choice but I do know what I want. I know my decison now. I'll have my L start the process."
You lead. No anger or tears. She can't commit and that's her choice.
Alright coach, but there isn't anything for a lawyer to do. She knows I've already got one but were waiting on the six month mark and there isn't anything to do before then. So should I say I know what I want, but if you can't decide then there is no reason for us to go on with this process of talking nor should we have communication after this?
If you get past the OM issue, then you say "I want your commitment to work on our M."
If she says "I'll try." you say "I need your commitment to try not you trying to commmit."
I'm not going to pretend I can read her mind anymore. But the answer I feel I might get that I'm not sure how to go at is I don't know. I do like your response about I'll try.
"OK, that is your choice but I do know what I want. I know my decison now. I'll have my L start the process."
You lead. No anger or tears. She can't commit and that's her choice.
Alright coach, but there isn't anything for a lawyer to do. She knows I've already got one but were waiting on the six month mark and there isn't anything to do before then. So should I say I know what I want, but if you can't decide then there is no reason for us to go on with this process of talking nor should we have communication after this?
Coach is telling you that there is no option for non compliance about OM. Whatever it takes for you to make that clear.
Alse what does it take for you to believe her? Where does your trust sit with her right now?
How do you follow up if she claims that all contact is over?
When I told her the other night that if she wants me in her life that he couldn't be she said okay. I feel that I need her to offer more transparency then that. In her case though she did immediately say that she wouldn't talk to him anymore. But on the issue of us committing to get back together, i feel she is going to say I don't know whether it's from her being scared or whatever. From her it's like I get the feeling that the OM and us working on our marriage are two different issues. She has no problem saying that she won't talk to him etc when I ask, but up to this point all I've ever gotten was an I don't know when I asked her about us, which I haven't done for weeks now since I started doing all this. That's why it surprised me the other night her even mentioning we should have fixed this before we got here, should be out with friends, etc.
If she claims that all contact is over then I would say "I want to trust and respect you on this matter, but I need you to give me more then just your word on the matter. How can you do to make that happen?
