The more she's in your head, the harder it is to move forward. It's akin to keeping Rosie going even when ED is staring (or drooping) right atcha. A lot of energy that goes nowhere.
I sympathize with your situation, the whole school conference, missed doctor's appointments for the kids. It's like you have to do things in duplicate, triplicate... sending a reminder text about the doctor's appointment to her and having to document it on the court ordered web site. The ole CYA.. all the way.
Funny thing is .. teachers, doctors know all about divorced parents and the resulting friction. Many do individual conferences with each parent and/or at least a phone call. For me it was like learning a whole new way of doing things... like paying half the medical co-pay and having a bill for the remaining amount sent to the former spouse.
Parenting is about taking responsibility... and if she isn't following up on necessary appointments for Themselves then it should be documented.
Anyway.... Your script should be more like an opera (I-I-I) then chichi (she-she). Let go of the blame and go on with your game.
