God......I hate for people to ask for help in how to do something and before they get it metabolize through the brain or wait for the one they actually asked to respond, they jump in an act before they are ready. Next time, please give it more than an hour.....or whatever it was, okay?
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She came over to me and asked me if she could hug me?
Do you really know what that little hug meant? No, b/c you are feeling all warm & fuzzy over it.
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first affection since I got back the States on 30 September.
See what I mean? And right now, she has you under "her" control and you don't even realize it.
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good thing I didnt leave the note.
Why? Is it b/c it ended with the two of you hugging? That wasn't why I told you not to leave a note.
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now what?
Now what? I thought you were going to DROP THE FREAKING ROPE?
Do you think the two of you have made-up b/c of that half-a$$ apology of hurting you and her saying she realized she had gotten too close to OM and it ended with a show of affection?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She cant keep it going, I am not going to allow it. That is clear and the boundry remains.
Sandi,
I have dropped the rope. I told her I wanted her to move out and get her own place so she can be with whoever she wanted. That is when she discussed more details about her EA/OM. I told her, I didnt want to hear anymore until she is open and transparent about him. That has not changed.
I know the hug is simply her way of attempting to meet me somewhere emotionally. I didnt fall all gooey over her. I do see your point about being under her contol by validating that I didnt leave the note.
We did not make up last night, we discussed the injury for the first time and for the first time she cracked a little of the veneer.
Fast forward this morning..
she comes down stairs and asks me will I be around tomorrow. I said in the afternoon why? she said she enjoyed our talk last night, that is was a good one, and she would like to talk more about things. I told her I appreciate that and agree that there is more to discuss. She told me she can see for the first time that there is a possibility of things working out and she is telling her co workers and family to back off and respect her and I that we are working on it with the Marriage Counselor and each other... I dont know where that came from. I said simply thank you, I respect that. She then walked over and Hugged me again very close, and I broke off first and she went to work.
so there it is...
I am looking at the event and thinking ok now what? I dont want to pick the rope back up.. I WILL NOT DROP THE BOUNDRY, so how do I proceed?
I dont want to be cruel or push her away if she is agreeing to the boundry and is reaching back. I am also not melty into her, but I am trying to find the balance of compassion also.
Serenity I could use your advice here.
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
She cant keep it going, I am not going to allow it. That is clear and the boundry remains.
I beg to differ, Pcola. I think what everyone has been TRYING to tell you, is this:
You can SAY one thing, clearly. And then your subsequent ACTIONS can fuzzy-up your very clear statement, and it's those actions that you're wife is noticing.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that us LBSs are the only ones who follow the "believe nothing that they say, and only half of what they do" mantra. Your wife, I can guarantee you, takes your "boundary" not seriously at all.
