My h is in classic MLC, we have been separated and he is having an EA, hopefully just EA. He will not admit a thing and even turns it around around and makes me feel horrible for not believing in him. I found an email addressed to him and this woman thanking them for stopping in to buy a new car, it was nice to meet his future wife. We have not discussed divorce until I confronted him so this was a huge shock for me. I have always had a gut feeling but he is so convincing that is it not true. Is this an MLC thing, the complete lying? He is completely the opposite person from my husband. I just found out about this on monday and am wondering why string me along for 8 months. We have been together for 22 years, 15 married and have 3 kids 14,12 and 6. I always said infidelity was a deal breaker but I never thought I would have to deal with it. I dont know what I want now. I feel weak for even thinking of hoping he will come home but I am not sure I can live with it. How do you watch him have an affair and continue to wait for him? How will I ever trust him again? Do I file for D or wait for him too. I am so confused. We were so dependent on eachother and having him be gone is still so painful, I feel like I have lost my right arm. I had such hopes and believed it was just so he could gain some perspective and we could become less dependent on eachother. I want to wake up from this nightmare.
Me 38 H 39 T 22years M 15years DS 14, DS 12, DD 6 Bomb 3/2010 h's 39th bday "Temporarily" Separated 6/7/10 H EA cant let myself believe anything more. H files 10/10
Stop. Take a deep breath. Hold it. Now let it out. Nothing has to be done or decided this split moment. This place is chock full of people with the same experiences/emotions as you.
I believe it's Cadet who will be around soon to give you some primary reading to do. Do it, and keep it where you can get to it handy, because you will probably need to re read it again in time.
We all believe infidelity is the deal breaker until it happens to us and we love the person.This is my second go-round. Husband did this 8 years ago, came to his senses and we resolved. Now, here I am again, and with a vengence. He never finished his MLC, just post-poned it.
This is a bone achingly slow process. We will have different results. Some will reconcile, some will not, but you have to keep taking care of you, and your children. Top priority. There is only one adult now, and it's you.
Visiting this board will help you heal You. Your H is on his own. You are going to hear this a lot. You didn't break him, you can't fix him.
Stick around, you'll get a lot of wonderful support.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I'm sorry you are going through this too, but like Punkin said, if you stay here you'll find a ton of help and people to listen. We're here for you :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I encourage you to read the resources that Cadet gave you. I also encourage you to ask questions if you need clarification.
There are some very wise and wonderful people who really know their stuff when it comes to MLC that would be glad to answer your questions. IMO when you understand the basics of what you're dealing with it's much easier to focus on what's really important, YOU!
Like Antonia and Punkin have said, you'll find lots of support here from those that are walking the same path.
You need to decide that first. Can you make an attempt to forgive him to the point that you could reconcile your M if he wanted to do that?
Or is it something that will always and forever be a bee in your bonnett, just waiting to be let out?
Cat is right ... just don't think that you have to decide that NOW ... or that if you do decide, that you can't change your mind later ... and then change it again ...
Breathe. Do nothing ... sometimes that is the best something you can do...
(((hugs))) PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Thank you all for the feedback, looks like I have alot of reading to do. I am a bit calmer tonite but I have had to pull myself together several times today. thanks again, MLW
Me 38 H 39 T 22years M 15years DS 14, DS 12, DD 6 Bomb 3/2010 h's 39th bday "Temporarily" Separated 6/7/10 H EA cant let myself believe anything more. H files 10/10
Weekends for a lot of us are the toughest, so if you have some destractions, use them. There are not as many people on the Boards, so that doesn't always help. Don't know where you are, but find some outside destraction if you can. It's a beautiful time of year in most places. Art Fairs, Craft Shows, Car Shows, etc. Take your BFF.
I visited with a new IC today and I am not sure what to think. I sought her out to help me wrestle with my feelings of feeling like I have zero self respect for believing him that this is only a friendship, not that I approve, and it has not become physical. I also struggle with understanding how I can allow myself to be subjected to all this hatred and betrayal and still want this man in my life. Instead I gave her an hours worth of the back story and let her know I was worrying about him as he has withdrawn totally from his closest friends and family, with exception of the kids. She suggested I think of someone he respects and trusts to contact him and ask him out for a beer, man of course, and just try to get him reinvolved in his circle and hopefully find someone he can talk to besides the OW. He avoids all due to the MLC and feeling ashamed of his behavior. I am just not sure if this is ok, I have read so many times they have to go through their process in order to complete it and if they are pulled out or forced out too soon they will fall back at some point. I think it would make me feel better that someone reached out to him as I cannot help him, he refuses to discuss anything but kids and money. Is this too much meddling, apparently I am quite a control freak in his eyes anyway. What to do?
Me 38 H 39 T 22years M 15years DS 14, DS 12, DD 6 Bomb 3/2010 h's 39th bday "Temporarily" Separated 6/7/10 H EA cant let myself believe anything more. H files 10/10
