GW - great to hear from you. I hope all is well with your family and that your W is committed to the M!
I'm down again today. The lawyer basically said that we can request anger management and parenting classes for the Big Bully but that ultimately my state is going to want S6 50/50 with both parents. I am devastated at the thought of being with my son only half the time. And I'm scared of H's temper. I just feel like he's going to have power over me one more time because the courts do not prefer the child to have one main home or stay with mom.
I am also terrifed of money. I have never had full time work and have few job skills. I have only two years left of alimony and then I have to figure out a way to keep this house or sell it. That means this at home mom will be working ft and that means even less time with my son.
I'm feeling not only abandoned emotionally by WAH, but I'm feeling really devastated that he is destroying my life like this - possibly losing my home and my son half time.
Giving up the financial security is one reason I never wanted to leave H, even given the problems in our M.
Also the lawyer said emotional abuse is very hard to prove in court and the court is very cautious with labelling a person that way. She said maybe he is only this way with me (abusive men usually are) and so Ding him and letting him take S away from my home is a better idea. I just felt misunderstood, and not supported. I felt like I have for years, that nobody understands or can help me. I felt like no matter how abusive it may seem in my M there is no recourse for justice or protection. I also felt like she was saying "once everybody calms down and moves on it will all be better and so will your son." Well that's true in some ways. But if he's angry, controlling, and abusive, then that is how he is with or without me. I felt blamed again.
Then I got really hard on myself. Questioning, as I always have "is this really abuse? is it my fault? Am I creating a monster? By engaging with a rageful person haven't I been guilty of creating more stress for my son as well?"
Steps backward tonight. I'll recover. Just down and fearful.Feeling lonely. Missing the early years when H and I loved each other so much, travelled the world, had hopes and dreams and plans for the future of our family. I hope one day I can get back to believing that leaving him is actually a better option but right now I do not.
Thanks for all your words of support. It means the world to me.
