Thanks, Starsky. And yeah- DQ - I will when I have a bit more mental energy!
Long day and night. H and I met with FT together. Not much accomplished other than H told his side of the whole story of our marriage from beginning til present. I thought it was going to be more about how we go from here in deciding if/when we reconcile. I'm sure H wanted his story out there for the FT to hear. I'm sure he wants to make sure it is understood why he felt it OK to have an affair, etc...
It's OK: I had 0 expectations going into it. I mean that too - not just saying it. Actually, it feels a bit better that he hasn't just "changed overnight" because this feels more real.
SOOOO...I didn't get to get into my list of my requirements for going back in. In fact, I'm pretty sure H just thinks I'm still dying inside for him to come back, etc... He doesn't get that I'm not! The funny thing is, even if I told him that I think he wouldn't believe it. He would think that I'm just being told to say that or whatever. Doesn't matter to me: I know the truth and that is - I'm NOT dying for him to come home or anything like that. In fact, I know that reconciling for me means a ton more pain. I can't explain it, but there's been a shift for me. It's not so much that I've gotten to the end of the race as it has been described, but that I truly can take it or leave it at this point. Right now, I know I will be just fine without him. I would worry about the kids, but I know they don't want me just taking him back under any circumstance either.
The way I see it, for me to go back into this marriage means I have to go back to pain. Back to trying to heal from infidelity where right now I'm good and detached. If I give my heart back to him, that means I also open myself up to the hurt of him being with another woman. If I don't reconcile, I don't have to open my heart back up to him again, and I avoid pain.
Do I still think it's worth it? Do you save the marriage no matter how tough? Well, that's why we're all here. Having said that, the cheating spouse sure doesn't realize the strength of the inner beast they've unleashed. At least not it my case!
