The Next Phase

[flowmom]

IDU, I understand your concerns.

Can I share with you my thoughts on 50/50? Right after separation, the idea of my children not living with me even part of the time was horrifying and shocking. It was a huge leap for me to come to terms with them spending one night a week with H, and spending time at his apartment that I hadn't seen. It took me a lot of time to sort out "what's best for my kids" in my mind.

At this point, I believe that it's best for my children to spend up to 50% of time with their dad (though for me to accept 50/50 he would have to cut back on some of his work and leisure activities). However, I do have a lot of trouble with the idea of my children having "two homes". I know that this is sold as "two is better than one". But to me two homes equals no homes. I don't want to cheat my children out of time with their dad, but living between two homes is disruptive for them and they are the ones who pay the huge price for divorce.

What really helped me was that STBXH allowed me to gradually get used to the kids spending more time apart from me, and for longer stretches of time. Keep in mind that I was very much the primary caregiver and my kids are not in school or daycare. It took months for me to accept the reality of coparenting and to realize that I could accept up to 50% custody with STBXH.

Also, we had an agreement that any temporary custody arrangement would not be precedent-setting and would be subject to review every month. That allowed me to stretch my comfort zone as an experiment rather than feeling like I was agreeing to "forever".

To be honest, STBXH really cleaned up his parenting act once we separated. He realized that it wasn't going to fly to not have it together while he had custody of the kids and I wasn't there for backup. So my kids actually benefited from better parenting from the WAS after separation. He's not stupid and I'm sure he was warned to be impeccable in his parenting after the separation to avoid issues.

I'm not saying that any of this is a guide to what you should do. I'm just saying that your W has likely not come to terms with reality here and you guys haven't even separated. It will likely involve a process on her part.

You should look at the outcome that you want a year from now and develop a strategy for how to get there. Try to understand what your W is going through -- not because she deserves your empathy, but because using some psychology will work in your favour. I believe that I and STBXH both did that, and it has worked well so far. We didn't want to waste money on lawyers and we wanted a good coparenting relationship. We've both had to manage our emotions and reactions in order to establish a basis for working together. We are gradually moving towards a friendly collaborative relationship.

hugs!