I can feel the frustration radiating from your written words. It seems like you feel like you're the only one making an effort. I've been there--from the LD point of view--and it's a truly depressing feeling. I started to feel like things would just go on that way forever. I was counting the years left, saying to myself, "Do I have 50 more years of this? Do I want that?"
Did you feel like you could talk to your husband about what you were doing and why? It sounds like you tried to "just do it" without telling him about it. Were you uncomfortable talking about it? Or did he do something that made you think he wouldn't handle it the way you hoped?
Have you thought about what you will do if your husband makes a final decision that he isn't willing to (or doesn't need to) change? Are you willing to leave if you reach a point where you're certain he's never going to change? We don't cheerlead for people to leave marriages here, but there's a paradox: if you've thought about leaving, even wondered about it, there's some chance that you will leave at some point, and often hiding that possibility helps prevent you from working it out so that you no longer need to leave. Conversely, as hard as it is, sitting your spouse down and explaining that you've had thoughts of leaving and why, and explaining that you don't want to leave and that's why you want to make changes, can lead to changes you wouldn't see otherwise.
Nothing changed for me until I admitted that I'd begun to wonder about leaving. I'd been adamant (even to myself) that I would never ever leave no matter what, and that was part of my victim mentality--she'd tricked me into marrying her by acting like she liked sex, and now that she had me "trapped" and I "couldn't" leave her, she was free to taunt me and mock me and keep me celibate for the rest of her life (or at least the rest of mine.) It wasn't until I accepted that staying was my choice and I was responsible for every compromise I made and every outrage I accepted by staying that I was able to confront her with the statement that I would leave if I couldn't find a way to fix our marriage and I wanted her help for real.
Now, if you genuinely know that you aren't going to leave--if you're happy enough despite the sex situation, for instance--then all that doesn't make much difference for you. But you DO sound like someone who's doing all the heavy lifting. He seems to expect, not without reason, that you will make all the compromises and that you agree with him that his libido is right and yours is wrong.
