I got behind in reading the threads when I couldn't access the DB board, so I'm not up to speed with the details. But if you are going to "drop the rope" then just leave her alone. No deep conversations, no speeches, no notes or emails......no TM's, VM's, etc. You don't even have to tell her to leave unless you don't think you can truly drop the emotional rope. You just do it. You show it. When people don't want you they don't have to give you a speech about it. I don't disagree at all with Gucci, but I've seen some examples of prepared speeches or notes from LBH's who are really trying to drop the rope.....and it would have been better just not to have said anything. KWIM?
If it is a case where words "do" need to be said and then to move forward, then do it face to face, especially if living under the same roof. If not living together, then at the least tell her over the phone. It just seems the manly thing to do. Women write the Dear John letters.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I told her face to face when she got home.. She came home right after, her schedule changed with her new belt.. I told her what I had written in my words and we talked for a while. She apologized for the hurt her actions caused (but not for the content of the EA which she refuses to really acknowledge but she did say for the first time that she was gettign too close to him and broke it off). I went in the next room. She came over to me and asked me if she could hug me? She said after today we both could use a hug. I hugged her and let go first.
first affection since I got back the States on 30 September.
good thing I didnt leave the note.
now what?
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
Okay new idea same script. I can see how it looks like I am controlling and I dont WANT to do that anymore.. REALLY.
so I wrote her a handwritten note:
WAW, I have been thinking aboout what you said, and I can understand and see how you would think I am controlling you. That is NOT my intention. You are a free and independent woman. But, I think it's best you find your own place to live, in the next few weeks or so. You can talk to whoever you want on the phone, Email, FB or on person. It will be for the best and you will see I am not controlling you. I dont know how I feel about you or "us". But, I dont want you to feel controlled. I want to and will have my integrity when I look in the mirror and I am learning. I wont share you. Maybe you were right, you need to me see genuinly that you are free to make your own choice. You know what? I respect you too much to ever make you feel controlled. You have taught me something new. Thank you!
yea cheesy huh? I didnt give it to her. used the talking points to emphasise that I am not controlling her.
You're focusing on the wrong thing. Who gives a crap whether or not SHE, in her cheating/wayward state, perceives you to be controlling. (btw, "You're controlling" is classic wayward buzzphrase for "You're not allowing me to conduct my affair, unencumbered.") What you want to focus on is what Gucci and Robx preach: "I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. I HAVE SOME THINKING TO DO."
Telling her "I don't want to control you" just shows her that you're not detached, and it has the double-whammy of you being soft on her infidelity.
Not looking deeply and saying it is working... but the purpose is to Divorce Bust.. 24 days after I was told we are getting a divorce.. she tells me she is not going to file yet, and she is in a pause period and then starts to disclose more details.. and apologizes for her actions for reaching out to him and tells me she initiated the contact and was sorry she lied to me. She also said she realized she crossed the line and told him they were communicating too much... so that is more than I had this morning. and then she wanted to show some affection.. I KNOW I dont have the whole story.. yet.
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
