Is this something I should verbalize to her or just start 'ignoring/detaching' and show by actions (not answering phone/texts, etc.)? Afer all, it's quite obvious when I fall for her contacting me she then pulls back/detaches and tries to steel herself. She is so afraid to let herself feel anything.
If you are referring to those examples of "tests",no you don't verbalize any of it......you just prepare yourself emotionally and know that it's a scheme and you will need to turn her down on any offer of sex. Those were simply examples of what she might try. You steel yourself if she makes a play for you and gently walk away b/c it's not the real thing....it's her ploy to see if she can get you to give in to her sexually. ************************************
As for your son, you want to be available to him, but some WAW's will use their child for their own means.It's just my own opinion, but I think it's an excuse, and a hook for contact and for her to keep tabs on you.Let it go to voice mail and in 30 min or so, then call back and ask to speak to son. You are supppose to be busy and not sitting there ready to grab the phone in case it's her. Just keep it very brief with her and do not get into a discussion with her.You are GAL, sound upbeat and free.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
KEM, You wrote to me, so I've just read your story... and learnt more in that short time than for a long while. I've been feeling so guilty about givig my H the cold shoulder, but it's reversed things; you seem to have understood the mechanism so quickly and have got some great advice. Advice I can now relate to, but wouldn't have understood this Summer. My H is very far from flirting, hugging or testing in any form.Made it clear this Summer I no longer hold any attraction or love interest for him, that he feels nothing. And it's only since I've been scarce, cold and uncommunicative that he's showing tiny signs of "interest". Mind you, I feel he sees me as a last resort option, but doesn't want to feel he's lost me. I get what others are telling you; they have to feel they're losing/ have lost us and get cold feet - very cold feet.So you've taught me something. Good luck, it sounds as though you've still got a fighting chance. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Really hard right now to not contact W. She text me again yesterday something needed for D3. I haven't responded to any communication from W in a couple of days. Trying to focus on other things.
W text and called again about D3 needing something for school. I called back about 1 hr. later. W was angry. Asked why I haven't been answering her texts and calls over the past several days. Then said she wants to revisit our custody agreement b/c D3 has been acting out and needs more stability. Uh, sorry, she's the one that moved out and I tried to tell her before that was going to happen.
Then she said she wants to take D3 to psychiatrist. Tried to tell her she doesn't need a psychiatrist - what she needs is a loving two-parent home. W said D3 would need a psychiatrist if we stayed together. Told her "I don't want to be a part-time dad, and I know you don't want to be a part-time mom." She replied, "see its about you again."
Then she got mad cause I haven't done anything to get rid of our house. I told her that I may keep the house. She wasn't happy with that either as she is staying at her grandmother's.
Then she got mad that I hadn't switched the utilities into my name.
Then she got mad that I hadn't signed the consent agreement. And said, " see that is one of the reasons I left, because you're lazy!" I tried to tell her that I didn't sign the agreement not b/c I'm lazy but b/c it was a symbol of moving forward with breaking up our family.
I didn't take the bait in fighting. Mostly just let her vent and was agreeable with things. She started getting into R talk (mostly about past), and I followed right along, then she said, "I don't want to talk about this right now." So, I agreed to stop.
So, have I taken a step back by 'going dark/detaching'? As now she is angry. I'm thinking of sending her an email, not to chase, but to state my case and make sure she knows exactly where I stand at this point.
I did tell her "I love you." Of course, I didn't expect her to say it back and she didn't.
Can't be good that she is angry. I was obviously making her frustrated by not begging or arguing. She was getting so tense with our conversation and I wasn't. Should I send email? She doesn't realize how much I'm trying to protect her from the mistake she is making.
The problem you're making is that you're trying to control her. If you want her back, you're going to have to start agreeing and validating her feelings. So far all you've done is go against what she believes is right.
"She doesn't realize how much I'm trying to protect her from the mistake she is making."
She's not 5 years old. She's a grown woman. It's not your job to "protect" her from any mistakes. She needs to grow and discover these things on her own. You can gently direct, but you can't ever change another person's mind.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
First off, what have been her issues with you? How have you changed into a better person? Validating won't work if you agree with her, but act the same way.
Have you ever acknowledged how she felt? Not agree, but acknowledge.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Kind of a long story about the issues. But I'll try o make it short. At one time we were making a lot of money - after starting out with not much - and I was very involved in the community. Then some things happened at a family business where I worked and another family basically took over the business (with the help of my cousin. He was like a brother to me and stabbed his dad, me, and our family in the back.) I went into a deep depression even though I transferred my business to a new company. Things weren't the same. I couldn't get motivated to go to work - I threw myself into more community things and ignored the needs of my wife. She then took a job that had her travelling and kept her away from the family. She resented me for her having to take the job so we could make ends meet. I felt like I was losing her and went into a deeper depression. Then I would spend money while she tried to save money. I was used to the lifestyle we had previously, yet, I wasn't holding up my end. Tempers became short and we arguing a lot in front of our D. Not healthy. She felt trapped and lost respect for me. I probably should have posted this earlier so that y'all could get a better idea of what happened.
She has acknowledged that I have changed into a better father and better person. I act completely different. (although depressed now b/c of sitch - but not letting it affect my career or what I need to do to take care of myself and D3) She has even stated that when she expected me to get angry about certain things or act certain ways that she was surprised I didn't.
What's the difference between agreeing and acknowledging? When I agree aren't I acknowledging? Also, can't understand why she was so angry that I wasn't at her beck and call just waiting by the phone for her to contact me.
