I know that you feel like you need to understand it all and why and is what he is saying is true. I know it because I felt the same way.
Here's the thing. It is what it is. Understanding it (which unless you are having the exact same MLC as your h is impossible)aint gonna change it.
You know in your heart that what your h said isnt true. You were there all those years.
So, it's time, sweetie, to put that mindset aside for now. Maybe one day you will understand it all, maybe not.
It wasnt until I gave that all up and just accepted what was, that I really started to heal and move forward.
Just put the thoughts to rest for now. Thinking and rethinking the same things over and over is not getting you anywhere.
IB, I was where you were. I did go on antidepressants and it helped a great deal. Everyone has different opinions on it, but it might be something for you to look into.
So, come on, stop yourself from going down the same path. Do whatever you have to get your mind going in a different direction.