SoA, here's my two cents sorry it's later than I thought. First, I want to tell you that what I am going to tell you is coming from a 2x LBS. First time, I filed a D-no saving it. The second I used DB and we are still together. So, that said, here we go. Just hear my heart. I do want to help but I won't sugar coat.
You are already getting some great advice from other posters. My thoughts will probably echo theirs. Think of what you are going through like the stages of grief because that is what is happening. You are grieving your M. It is over. Your H is choosing to end it and nothing you can do will change that. You are still in heavy denial. You have stated that you were abandoned. That is not true. Your actions put you exactly where you are. You need to work through the grieving process so that you can get to acceptance. You need to accept reality in your situation. No amount of times that you change IC will change reality for you.
You got some great book recommendations. I will add one more. Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil. Now, I am not saying that you can rescue your M. However, this book really helped me search myself. There are many inventories to take to help you get in touch with yourself and what you want in a healthy relationship. It also helped me realize what healthy communication looks like. I never had it so I didn't even know what good communication was.
A few others have tried to suggest that your H is doing something wrong in his actions. I sorry to tell you. He is not. He is DBing to a T except he has also decided that he does not want to continue the M. That is his right. When someone hurts you that deeply, you have to decide if you can rebuild a M with them or ever trust them again. He has obviously decided that he can't. He is doing nothing wrong. He is doing what he needs to do to take care of himself right now and deal with the extreme hurt he is feeling. Oprah says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." You showed your H and he believed you.
Now, that does not mean that you are only what you did but like others have said, you have to deeply search inside yourself to find out why you did this and how not to do it again. It also does not mean that he did nothing wrong in your M. M takes two people. He had a part in getting it to a point where you did what you did. You have to be careful not to blame him. You must accept responsibility for YOUR actions. But you can acknowledge the things that you would change so you don't repeat it.
As far as the moving issue, I would not discount moving so quickly. Really, consider it. Ponder it. Think about the pros and cons. Do you really want to live in a place where you will always, and I mean always, have a scarlet A on your chest? People in your church have been talking whether you are hearing it or not, whether they are being nice to you or not. It might be easier to get the clarity you need if you move away. I'm not saying do it. I'm just saying really think about it. Don't just discount it because you want to work things out. (I realize he's moved in the meantime but you still need to consider it.)
Well, there it is. Hope it didn't hurt too much. I really am on your side. I hope you can heal from this and go on to a healthy R with someone. Keep working on the detaching and the GAL. That really will help.
