The difference 3 months has made in my life

[TAMF]

My goodness, I haven't been posting at all! I am way behind, but I have been really busy at work and my laptop crashed at home. Anyway, I have a little time before my event at work tonight, so I thought I would let everyone know what is going on...

I would say overall, I am happy. Not miserable at all. not even sad. But I do have a lot of anxiety. I am analyzing and thinking too much. I am constantly wondering if what I say or do is the right thing. When I should just be living my life not wondering if my actions are affecting my H. But it is so ding-dong hard to actually do that when all I really want is for my H to love me again. I am detaching...I don't call or text at all - I only reply to his.

Last Saturday, the kids were out of town wtih my mom. H came over to see me - no other reason for him to come over. I told him that I am causing him to lie again...only this time to the OW. I know he tells her that he loves her, but he spends all this time with me. He has had sex with me. I KNOW he hasn't told her that. With all of the secrets and lies that he has discovered his parents have told him, he keeps saying that he doesn't want anymore lies - no more secrets in his life - and yet he is now doing it again with the OW! All of ths lying was making me feel like the OW.

When I told him this, he said,"YOU R MY WIFE NOT THE OW!" I told him that tech. I am, but we are no longer in a relationship. and if he is telling this girl that he loves her, how can he hold me the way he does, kiss me the way he does? It isn't right and I don't want any part of it anymore.

He sat there and said that he honestly doesn't know what he wants - a life with me or a life with her. It is all he thinks about. He doesn't sleep anymore and is having anxiety attacks for the first time in his life. He is terrified that if he gives the OW up and goes back to me, that I will eventually figure out that I hate him and then we will be miserable. He doesn't think we could get past this.

The last couple of days, he has withdrawn. little to no communication. Which is okay with me. He needs time. Weird thing is that he has vacation next week and has had plans to get the house completely ready to put up for sale. There isn't that much work to be done. He asked if I was taking any time off too - strange. I said that I hadn't planned on it, but could look into it if he wanted me to. He said yes, he wanted me too.

I am taking next Wed. thurs. fri off - so we will see what happens. Question is...did he ask me to take the time off to spend time with me or just to help him with the house? Who knows?

I am just tired of everything :-)