Either win her over with my sheer sex appeal and charm
Ok, so what's Plan B?
Couldn't help it, low hanging fruit.
I have seen Retro work when one spouse is reluctant or lukewarm. It doesn't work when the spouse in a A. I would present it as a plan because the current sitch isn't working, you are going because you have decided it gives you both a opportunity to see if this M could work. No pressure, no expectations and you want to be true to your values and beliefs concerning marriage and family.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"Mrs Pin, I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided.
I have a proposal for you. I will hold off on moving out on the condition that "we" agree to attend the Retro sessions. I ask for nothing and offer no promises, but I think it would be a wise thing for us to attempt.
That is it. She either agrees or she doesn't......
Remember Pin, Counseling is known to help couples IF they both are willing participants. She now seems as if she would be a willing participant. Isn't that usually the first step in most issues? Being willing to find a solutiion...
Your leverage here is the fact that you offer nothing on your end except participation and that you have the moving out option as a backup. You are not doing this out of desperation like many other men in these situations. It is now more out of strength...
On the other hand, concerning your chance of success above, those who complete the Retrouvaille weekend and all the Post sessions have an 80% chance of still being together 5 years later.
Retro was shot down. She now says that what she had said was that she had said was "I would do anything for my babies." Not that she would try to reconcile. That if she had to pretend to be a happy wife to make me happy, she would, including sex.
I told her that I misunderstood what she said and her intentions, and that have a fake marriage for the kids was a horrible idea; that if she was willing to go to Retro with an open mind and an open heart towards reconciliation, I think it might be valuable to us. She didn't want to work on "us." That sounds harsh, but it wasn't a harsh conversation, just both of us trying to clear the air.
She said that I was confused because I didn't understand that men and woman can be close, emotionally intimate friends without any romance. I disagree, but I didn't tell her that. Just listened to her, and said that I agree that it's very important for a couple to be close, intimate friends.
We talked a bit more, I said I was going to take the apt that's being held for me. She said she just needed to be able to think about everything, about how she felt for me separate from our daughters. That the time apart would be good, but costly financially. Talked about what I'd be taking, when I'd move, so on.
She stressed that this would be a non-legal thing; just a year at the most, not a set in stone separation. Knowing now, I see that she was really asking me those as questions, not statements. I agreed with all of them.
She said that if I found someone, I shouldn't miss out by waiting for her to come around. That she wanted me happy. I think she was sincere, and not meaning that she had already found someone.
I'm actually relieved and excited. Relieved that the sitch is changing, and excited for what the future holds.
Needless to say, I think we both have huge issues to deal with. Her self esteem is just horrible, her sense of identity is bound so tightly to just motherhood.
I've felt codependent from Bomb-day plus one, so it'll be great to see how I feel when I'm out of the house. I sure hope my codependency was due to the bomb, but I'm realistic enough to see that it's probably part of my identity and something I need to work on.
