I agree your situation is different when you are the one who cheated and I do believe your approach has to be more nuanced than the usual tough love script.
Your wife has every reason to doubt you for the same reason Robx urges plan 2b. If you were really attracted to her, you wouldn't have cheated and she knows this deep down.
Now you're telling her you want the marriage and if she's still listening to you, part of her wants to believe you and the rest of her is scared and doesn't believe you really find her attractive enough to not cheat and make it work without hurting her again.
You can't pursue her because that just plain doesn't work. You can't talk her into it because words, especially from a cheater, don't count. Your non-pursuing actions are sending her an ambivalent message. That's not necessarily bad but if you overplay the 'I'm not sure I'm interested in reconciliation' angle you'll only confirm for her that you still don't really care for her. OTOH, if you leap at the first sign of R they often feel all you are interested in is 'getting them back' so you can carry on as before and hurt them.
I think you hit on the right response when you said 'you might be interested in R if things could be different' that at least opens the door for some honest counselling to address why you were unhappy, what you've done and need to do to move beyond that, what she's done and can do to make herself more happy and attractive to you and meet your needs.
I don't disagree with anything else you've been told as general rules, I just think when you cheated first, you're not dealing with a textbook WAW and the situation is more delicate.
