pookie's right - validation is a means to an end, not the end itself.
Pookie's also right that you can't make her feel anything. This is where validating below the words to the feelings is so important. It has nothing to do with agreeing - feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.
If she truly knows that her feelings, whatever they are, are being heard and accepted, then it will facilitate the possibility of the feelings changing (although there are no guarantees of course).
It is also likely that she is not completely clear about what her feelings actually are; in that case, validating them will help her get clarity.
Validating means unconditionally accepting her feelings exactly as they are without any agenda to trying to change them. (It's harder than it sounds)
Pookie, another question. Earlier u said I should say something like I can lead us out of this but I need u to do x about OM. Is me telling her that I can lead us not pushing her to come back or the ultimate end which is getting back together which she has said she didn't know if she wanted that within the last two weeks.
There are just so many directions to go in which is what seems to keep me from grasping the whole picture.
Then how do you validate someone saying they haven't been sleeping good lately or that we should be out with friends. Those aren't feelings. And if the thing that I'm suppose to validate are the underlying feelings that she is having that leads to those statements then am I not assuming what her underlying feelings are?
Pookie, another question. Earlier u said I should say something like I can lead us out of this but I need u to do x about OM. Is me telling her that I can lead us not pushing her to come back or the ultimate end which is getting back together which she has said she didn't know if she wanted that within the last two weeks.
There are just so many directions to go in which is what seems to keep me from grasping the whole picture.
She wants clarity for her feelings. You can provide it by leading. You are also asking for respect and honor.
She will find that attractive. Wouldn't you agree that a strong, decisive, honorable man with the plan would be attractive?
I'll bet she will contact you today or over the weekend the latest.
Then how do you validate someone saying they haven't been sleeping good lately or that we should be out with friends. Those aren't feelings. And if the thing that I'm suppose to validate are the underlying feelings that she is having that leads to those statements then am I not assuming what her underlying feelings are?
Her statements are actually questions.
"What would you do for me so I can sleep better?"
"Would you take me out to have dinner with friends again?"
She is asking for your help to feel differently. She does not like the way she feels about the whole sitch.
Pookie I'm so busy trying to get all this stuff down, I have no idea right this sec what my next move is. If she calls, which I don't think she will because the last thing I told her was I need time to think if I can trust her, I assume she will wait for my response on if I can or can't but if she did call I don't know if I should try to get her to talk about some of the same stuff to validate her feelings, I don't know if I should tell her I can lead us out of this but I need to be able to trust you, or what.
Then how do you validate someone saying they haven't been sleeping good lately or that we should be out with friends. Those aren't feelings. And if the thing that I'm suppose to validate are the underlying feelings that she is having that leads to those statements then am I not assuming what her underlying feelings are?
You are right that you don't know what her feelings are unless she has affirmed that you 'got' them. However, a close educated guess done with an attitude of acceptance works wonders.
Why does someone have trouble sleeping? Usually it's because something is troubling to the point of not being able to shut off the thoughts. You might say, then "So this has been weighing heavily on you." Since you don't know the specifics yet, this will likely prompt more disclosure about what is bothering her.
To the "should be out with friends" you could respond: "So you miss socializing together."
You are not going to talk your way out if anything.
"Wife, I hear you about the sleeping problem this is very stressful. You dropping your classes is up to you, do what you think is best. As far as being out with other couples, I understand but that is what healthy and happy couples do. We are not there. Here is what I have decided, I will not share my wife with another man. That means no contact, if he contacts you I want to know right away. If you want those other things with me then you will have to meet me there before we can begin to have the marriage we both want."
Then you let her go to choose, no pursuing, fixing, pleading etc. Then you prepare for either outcome - divorce or reconciliation. She will respect you for standing up for yourself and to her and letting her decide.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
