I don't really think you all understand how much something as symbolic as taking my ring off meant to me, people. I'm a deeply emotionally charged person. You all know this. I tend to always let my emotions govern my actions. It's who I am. I can't just stop that, so I have to embrace it to some degree and accept it.
Taking my ring off REALLY was one of the last steps to detachment for me. I think we all have some varying degrees of detachment, and I'm probably on the weaker of the scale. It is who I am. I care too much - or sometimes care too little. It's like a switch for me that is either on or off. Right now I've turned it off.
I know you all like to beat up on me and make fun of the sitch, but I've been in serious pain over all of this. I know poking fun and making bets is supposed to lighten the mood - but again I stress that this is all so very fresh and real to me. I've done my best over the past 2-3 weeks that I can. I'm gradually moving more towards what everyone else here deems an acceptable level of detachment.
Again, I'm highly emotional. My actions prove it. The little things that you all see that seem petty and baby steps are in all reality huge leaps for me. I hope this helps you to understand more of where I am - I really feel like I'm much further than you all realize at this point.
You can argue otherwise, and most people here will agree with you. But you're not me. You don't really know what I feel.
And yes, I know. Words mean nothing - it's only what I do that matter.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
So we ended up talking, and basically she said that if I treated her with respect, showed her I was a good man, etc she would come back home....
.... not sure how I feel about that, and that's what I told her. She said, "I don't think you understand, John. Me coming back home is completely dependent on you. Right now I can't do that. But if things changed I'd be willing to try."
Shoulda said "I don't think YOU understand--what makes you think I want you to come back?" and smiled and walked to your car and driven off.
You still haven't flipped the script on her. I have faith in you cause I really want tos ee you prevail, John. But you have got to turn her little snowglobe upside down in order for anything to happen. It's too safe for her now. There are some parts where you are shaking the rug underneath her but until you do this firmly and keep it that way, she sees you as an option. You have got to make her think she ISN'T an option for you.
That's the kind of tests I'm talking about. The more she thinks you may be dumping her instead of her dumping you.....well then....that's a horse of a different color! You will have her full attention on trying to get you back.
Print this out and put it in your wallet to read and re-read. This is 100% true.
I don't want you to think we're dumping on you either, John. Sometimes I read the comments on here and I know how you feel bad most people mean well. Ya it's all fun and laughs but this is really a major problem in your life -- I get that and am sorry if you've ever felt hurt.
Now--put on your game face and start making changes! That is great you took your ring off. If you felt that was major for you, then awesome! Baby steps... we want to see you walk to the other end with a big smile on your face
I don't really think you all understand how much something as symbolic as taking my ring off meant to me, people. I'm a deeply emotionally charged person. You all know this. I tend to always let my emotions govern my actions. It's who I am. I can't just stop that, so I have to embrace it to some degree and accept it.
Taking my ring off REALLY was one of the last steps to detachment for me. I think we all have some varying degrees of detachment, and I'm probably on the weaker of the scale. It is who I am. I care too much - or sometimes care too little. It's like a switch for me that is either on or off. Right now I've turned it off.
I know you all like to beat up on me and make fun of the sitch, but I've been in serious pain over all of this. I know poking fun and making bets is supposed to lighten the mood - but again I stress that this is all so very fresh and real to me. I've done my best over the past 2-3 weeks that I can. I'm gradually moving more towards what everyone else here deems an acceptable level of detachment.
John, we started here at the same time, and in many ways, we're very similar in temperament. But the emotion thing is something we both need to deal with, not just accept. Steve McQueen was right on the money with his 2x4 for me.
You can't let your emotions govern your actions. Influence and guide to some extent? Sure. But your actions should be based on your values, your N.U.T.s.
I let a comment from my wife hurt me, and throw me off emotionally for two weeks. You've let your wife use your emotions to manipulate you.
Taking off your ring was an emotional act; an act where you were shouting to the world; "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." I sometimes think of taking my ring off, but almost always realize I'd be doing it to send a message (in a very passive aggressive manner) that I was mad at her, and that I wanted her to make me feel better.
Sure somethings are symbolic, and you can take symbolic steps to make yourself feel good. Build up enough little steps, and you'll feel much better about yourself. But your feelings will really be coming from how you're thinking about yourself.
Another example. I always viewed myself as someone who took the easy way out, never finished things, yada yada yada. Now I've started running, and running in races. Something I would have been terrified of doing. I've only been running seriously for about 2 months, and have run in 2 races. Now I don't have any fear of pushing myself, because I know I can do it. Not because I feel I can, but because I think I can.
"I really feel like I'm much further than you all realize at this point."
Not really. Weren't you the one who said acted like a fool in the mediation?
First and foremost, W stuff aside, what have you done to improve YOURSELF and YOUR mood? It's obvious you wear your heart on your sleeve, so you're going to have to exercise some self-control. It seems like it's been a turn-off for your W for awhile and she's told you time and time again. But rather than fixing it, you repeat the same mistakes.
Have you sought C or taken steps to better your self control?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
