Arnie, I feel that I somewhat validated her. I told her she was right and that us working on this earlier would have been a good idea, that we ignored each other and both made mistakes. I just didn't know how to take what she was saying and translate it into the future. In the past I had been the one asking to go to counseling etc, but I didn't know how to take what she was saying and say well we should do this without sounding pushy or whatever.
As far as going about any of this, is this something that should be said now b/c it's so fresh, or do I just let it go into next week unless she calls me before then?
Let her contact you. You made yourself clear.
Even though the last thing I said was I need time to think if I can trust you to do this?
Arnie, everything that she said yesterday leads me to the conclusion that she wishes everything was different, feels guilt b/c instead of working on things she just left, and part ofme really agrees with pookie that she is wanting me to take the lead in all this. I just don't know how I can take the lead without it seem like I'm pressuring her.
The big 3 things that stand out to me as her reaching out for sympathy or change are: 1 she wished we would have changed things/ not gotten to this point. 2 she wishes we were doing our normal life like hanging out with friends. 3. She felt the need to tell me about how she didn't sleep good the night I told her that we were to have no communication.
And patience is really what I'm trying to keep here. Also while I was surprised she mentioned any of these things, she could have also just been trying to get rid of some of her guilt.
1 she wished we would have changed things/ not gotten to this point. 2 she wishes we were doing our normal life like hanging out with friends. 3. She felt the need to tell me about how she didn't sleep good the night I told her that we were to have no communication.
Three opportunities to validate. When you validate her feelings it creates a connection, she will feel "seen" (she matters to you), and show you are listening.
How could you have validated her when she said those things?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
how I can take the lead without it seem like I'm pressuring her.
By first being crystal clear on your goals - I believe Coach asked you about this a few posts back, and your response was to be in a loving relationship where both of you were committed and working on it (paraphrasing - I hope I got the gist).
If I had heard what she said about wishing things weren't like they were, it would seem that she is expressing a desire to work on the relationship now. The reason why validation is important is that it would help find out whether that is indeed the case (otherwise it's just mind-reading).
Some minor tweaking of pookie's suggestion a few posts back would be helpful - of course only if it is indeed what you mean.
