WAW 20 years and wants out

[Starsky309]

wow advice all over the map. Some recommend backing off, others recommend moderatation, other recommend total kick out..

I have the boundry in place. She understands it.

I can "understand" the 55mph speed limit, but it doesn't mean I won't flagrantly violate it.

Yes, I think she understands what you CLAIM TO WANT/NEED/DEMAND. I don't for a minute think she is clear on what you will do about it if she violates it. From your descriptions of your interactions with her, I think she is testing you, BIG TIME, and I think the longer you allow her to control this false choice, the more she loses respect (thus, LOVE) for you.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

wow advice all over the map. Some recommend backing off, others recommend moderatation, other recommend total kick out..

I have the boundry in place. She understands it.

I don't see these as contradictory. You laid down your boundary. You can compromise on some things (i.e. your kid) but not on the OM. If she makes that crack about "doing it for the right reasons" you might ask her exactly what those are, clearly vows are not a good enough reason.

AGREE with this. His wife needs to understand that "maybe," "I'm not sure," "I'll think about it," or any other middle-of-the-road/squishy answer to Pcola's boundary, will be taken by Pcola as a "NO" as to her commitment to their marriage.

He should give her the Robx speech.

Starsky

[Pensacolabroken]

Phone Coach agrees that I didnt lose any ground with a small bend and the boundry still remains. I am not caving, I am letting her think about the consequences a little more in depth. I am prepared to continue to press the boundry in a few days. I am detaching.

Went to the attorney today.. nothing good but at least I know my rights. She is going to her attorney today for her consultation. She is going to have to react now to her actions and see this for what it it.. ugly.

[Pensacolabroken]

How should I proceed if she turns around and says she will me my boundry and will commit to the marriage counseling?

I am not getting ahead of myself but I am thinking of that outcome. IF it happens I am planning on telling her I need some time to think about what she is saying. I dont plan on going melty on it.. I want her to be curious and stay interested in success.

thoughts?

[Pensacolabroken]

Starsky I am not giving in I am giving distance.. I am still in the ring..

[Serenity13]

Pen~

Don't press anything...You have stated your boundaries, what you will and will not accept in a marriage and there is no need to continue to say it over and over again...

If she decides to commit to the marriage, she will have to follow the boundaries that have been in set. Transparency (phone, emails, FB etc...), If you need her to change TKD than so be it.

She needs to realize , she screwed up, she needs to earn your trust back and that these are consequences to her actions.

Just because she "says" she will follow the boundaries, doesn't mean she will "do" them.

Actions speak louder than words.

(((Hugs)))

[Pensacolabroken]

Serenity,

thanks I agree and that is why do not intend to press anything. I am being detached. I want the weight of her decision and her actions to be felt by her so she can make a decision that is hers to make. I am prepared for the worse now.

I will expect the boundry to be maintained and verified of course. I am letting her come to me with a reasonable time to consider it.

[Serenity13]

Pen~

You are most welcome. To be honest I don't think you are doing to badly... As long as you keep your emotions in check and I know that is easier said then done. I don't think you are as detached as you think you are though...It isn't something that happens overnight and I just want to make sure you are prepared for the worst while hoping for the best.

(((Hugs)))

[Pensacolabroken]

Serenity,

I admit, I am doing terrible keeping my emotions in check.. I am a passionate guy. I am reminding myself is my actions getting me closer or farther from my goal.

It is hard to detach.. Even harder to pretend because I am an honest person. I am preparing myself for the worse..

[Serenity13]

Pen~

No worries....

If you could have seen me when I first came here, you would have seen an emotional wreck...I was about a week away from the mental ward, my bi-polar was out of whack, my meds were doubled and basically I was a zombie...

But I kept coming here and with the help of Puppy (miss him bunches), Coach, Greek, Mac, Rocked, Kara etc...Day by day I became stronger, stronger than I have ever been.

It is a slow process, it is a very painful process, however if you take the time to examine yourself, your goals and what you want in life, you may be surprised at what you find.

(((Hugs)))