Going Dark, Gaining Strenght

[JinBK]

Edmond - That is the debate I am having, and you are right - the more I look back, the less I want to work things out with WH.

It is already nearly impossible to deal with WH now. I am doing my best to not revise our past in a negative light. Unfortunately, it seems I viewed our M with rose-colored glasses.

I honestly don't think our M can be restored. This has been a hard reality to face. I have been working hard for years to keep our M going, and H has done everything in his power to either check out or destroy it. I don't have the energy to do it anymore.

I have been going to my weekly therapy, discovering many things about myself. I can honestly say that I will be a stronger, more self-aware person after this. I already am. With WH, that charming aspect of his childishness has become the tantrums of a spoiled child. I look back at the texts since the A and see all the conversations we had in our M where things became my fault.

I deserve happiness. And when I said something in our M made me unhappy, instead of compromising or changing something, WH tried to find a way to get his way. Like living in that damn house. I agreed under certain conditions. Over time, the conditions that WH was responsible for slowly disappeared. When I said I was unhappy living there, he never even met me half way. Never. No attempt was made to talk to his family and make agreements about their involvement in our lives. He'd agree to save money so we could afford to move, then he'd over-spend so much we couldn't save, month after month. He checked out not only of the M, but of his family, leaving me to be our representative time and time again in family events. Then, if I was too vocal about what made me upset to others in the family because he wouldn't talk to them, I would get reprimanded by WH.

No, I was quite clear about what I wanted in our M. I was clear the whole time.

The problem with the DB techniques in my sitch is that many of them are what I was doing - trying to be the spouse that my WH wanted. Only, in his family, that is the basic expectation. Be the perfect girl and keep your mouth shut.