Boundaries in Marriage

[Concerned_Listener]

I came home yesterday from work ready and eager to attend our weekly dance class and Salsa venue. My W called me on my way home and told me she was depressed. When I got home, she said she wanted to go to dinner as she hadn't eaten all day. I tried to bargain with her, so I could at least attend the dance class. She started crying again. I took the dog for a walk to think about what I should do--skip the dance class or take the night off to be a dinner companion.

I decided to go to dinner with the hope that it might have a positive influence on her. She shared that she had been cleaning out the basement and was reminded of how unhappy she had been in the past, how poorly she had taken care of her appearance, and disorganized she was. She also was upset with herself for still smoking. I tried to get her to think in terms of what steps she could take, but she didn't respond.

I think listening to a depressed person is helpful to some extent, but ultimately they must make changes in terms of how they think, and how they approach life. My approach to helping her will be to be a companion in social and physical activity, and trying to get her to take small steps forward in solving problems. If I spend too much time listening to her talk, without seeing her taking small steps forward, I will think I'm not being helpful and not using the time well.

We saw our dance teachers at a venue this week, and they asked us to perform a solo Salsa demonstration at a retirement community in December. I expressed my interest, and hope my W will take advantage of this opportunity.

My W attended her second night with me at my ballroom venue. It got off to a difficult start. She started the night off with two dances with other men. I found out later that she didn't want to dance with them, so she was mad at me. I began to dance consecutive dances with her to turn the mood around. It helped to some extent. She didn't complain about the evening afterward, so I guess she hasn't abandoned the venue. I think she needs to be more assertive about asking men to dance, to break the ice with them.

I watched her sitting at the bar, staring at her sandwich. She lacked her usual energy and enthusiasm when out dancing. When speaking with our dance teachers the one dance teacher's mouth was open with surprise, as my W spoke critically of herself and our dancing. I was embarrassed.

I plan on being compassionate, but smarter about it this time around. She needs a kind ear, a guiding hand, and also the expectation that I will continue to participate in some activities without her, if she continues to take the night off.

CL