WAW 20 years and wants out

[NotFromThesePart]

PB,

You and I are in nearly the same place. What you are asking for is not too much. It is the minimum.

However, she probably does not trust you either. Can you think of ways to build her trust in you?

[MrBond]

"She said she is not in a place yet to do that. "

Your answer: Then you need to leave.

[Pensacolabroken]

Notfrom,

I am not sure what I can do to rebuild her trust in me. I told her I am done turning over rocks looking for evidence. I also told her that I am completely transparent. She can access my phone, my email or my FB whenever she wants.

I also have not seperated bank accounts or revoked my Power of Attorney. So I am still showing her that I trust her with the finances.

I am remaining firm on the Boundry of NC with this guy. She needs to decide. I told her she is choosing a "Friend" from the last 2 months over a Marriage and friendship that has lasted over 25 years. (20 years married but knew her 5 years before).

She has to come to me. I am not persuing anymore and I am detaching.

[Pensacolabroken]

Wife just called and pretended to make conversation about Divorce stuff like selling a piece of property we own she wants me to list it etc.

then she says, she forgot what else, then I said ok got to run and she said oh yea it was about our talk.. I am not running a sprint I am running a marathon, and I am trying to figure it out but I dont want to be pushed. I said I understand that and I repsect that, but I am maintaining the boundry we agreed on when got married and she cant have contact with him. She said she needs to make sure she does it for the right reasons not because I am controlling her to do it. I didnt argue I simply said okay I understand what you are saying.

[gutwrenching]

She says the reason she has not dropped him from FB and still maintains him as a friend is because her friends have pulled back and she wants to keep the friends she has left. She also say I am controlling her by demanding she drop him as a friend, but she understands how I feel and knows she will have to drop him if we work on our marriage.

and that I pushed her farther away yesterday with my demand she leave.

She says I am trying to control her

This is all crap, BS. Ignore it. This is all because she wants to leave. How do you push someone further away that has feelings for OM and wants out of a marriage. She is just pissed cause you tried to inject reality into her fantasy.

She opened more about him then she has

Be careful...this could be crumb tossing to throw you off track

It is a marathon.
Keep the emotions out of it. Wait till your emotions have calmed down before saying/doing things

[Starsky309]

I really got no where with her and her OM, other then she said I know IF and I am not giving you false home but IF we stay married I will have to make some changes about my friend.

She says the reason she has not dropped him from FB and still maintains him as a friend is because her friends have pulled back and she wants to keep the friends she has left. She also say I am controlling her by demanding she drop him as a friend, but she understands how I feel and knows she will have to drop him if we work on our marriage.

She also said I am not screwing him..

Now I am not sure if I push harder or relax on her a bit.

. . .

She says I am trying to control her.

She opened more about him then she has. I told her it is terribly disrespectful the way you communicate with a man instead of your husband.

So she made some compromises and for the sake of my son, I made some.

Am I playing it a little better?

"OK, instead of killing the whole baby, I will only saw the baby in half."

No, I do not think you are doing this correctly. Some things cannot be compromised. Have you read "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S.?" These would be NUTS.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

"She said she is not in a place yet to do that. "

Your answer: Then you need to leave.

This. ^


Starsky

[Pensacolabroken]

wow advice all over the map. Some recommend backing off, others recommend moderatation, other recommend total kick out..

I have the boundry in place. She understands it.

[TimeHeals]

10 bucks says he won't do it. I thought maybe he's getting it yesterday. Wrong. That's what I get

The problem with 75% ego identification and 25% identifying with your emotions is that you never get out of react mode while your ego and your emotions are what is driving you all of the time.

To put it another way: your wife could leave, your house could burn down and be uninsured, and so on, and most of what consitutes life would remain unchanged, but your ego and your emotions might be telling you that you'd be better jumping off a cliff.

Nevermind your health, all that big, beautiful world out there, and the danged things there are to endlessly fascinate you if you just open your mind and your senses to the rest of life's experiences.

She isn't sure this is what she wants? OK, no big deal. The leaves are changing, and isn't fall beautiful? What is there to see that you have never seen within a 3 hour drive of where you are now?

Get out and live life, and tell her if she isn't sure, then she should leave, and it's OK.

[NotFromThesePart]

wow advice all over the map. Some recommend backing off, others recommend moderatation, other recommend total kick out..

I have the boundry in place. She understands it.

I don't see these as contradictory. You laid down your boundary. You can compromise on some things (i.e. your kid) but not on the OM. If she makes that crack about "doing it for the right reasons" you might ask her exactly what those are, clearly vows are not a good enough reason.