This site is so great! I've had a proper think today and spent time by myself and I hope I have sorted my head a little.
I take things so personally all the time and it isn't always about me. Last night he came up to me in the club and gave me a kiss and I was so intent on showing him what he was missing out on I think I missed the point. I don't need to show him what he is missing out on, I just need to be me. Showing him means I am acting and not being me.
He was very down today so I asked him what was the matter and he said he felt very flat. Well, he was supposed to be getting up and moving hostels today but he didn't bother. Thisis all his responsibility and nothing to do with me and yet I take it on and wonder what I did to cause the mood and how I can fix it. I can't! I don't think the mood has anything to do with me so I am going to step back and think about me for a change.
I've realised that the hostel and the people in it are not doing me any good. It is all a bit 'close for comfort' so I am going to move hostels. Unfortunately it means the same one as he plans to move to but I have a feeling that him moving is not going to happen and I am making this decision for me not him.
I've also decided to follow my original plan and move from Port Douglas in mid November as planned and go to Perth. I was umming and arring as he had talked about us travelling together but I didn't come to Australia to go down the East Coast again so I am going to book my flights.
I got my rosta wrong and didn't turn up to work today, instead of making some crappy excuse as I probably normally would I went in and apologised and admitted my mistake. They were really kind and lovely about it and said they appreciated and admired the fact that I had done that and I feel much better. I have also been stressed about my student loan as they have finally caught up that I am away. Instead of trying to wheedle out of it I am going to release some money from the house sale and pay it off.
I feel much better about making those decisions for me and much more sorted. If me and him are meant to be (which I doubt) then it will happen. Other than that I have had a lot of fun with him, learnt a hell of a lot, softened the exh remarriage blow and have made a good friend in Joe. Even though he has bad traits, which I have described here he is a really brilliant person.
