LBS Living...

[25yearsmlc]

Rationally I know everything that is being said is true. I really do. Emotionally though - it is still so painful right now I feel hopeless. I don't want my emotions to rule but I feel like I have suppressed this hurt and anguish for so long that if I don't get it out I won't be able to create a new life. The layers of humiliation, hurt, anguish, sadness are nauseating me! I feel like everyone is moving on and happy but me and I am scared. Scared that there is really something wrong with me. Scared that I am really the one who is f*cked in the head.

Please know this question comes from someone who's been where you are, but have you seen someone about medication? Your continued "cycling" thru the phases of depression and backsliding seem to be partly physical now and it's affecting about every aspect of your life.

I keep hearing "don't blame yourself, it's him not you" - then I hear "take a good look in the mirror - see what your contributions were to the failed marriage" I am so confused! I have tried to admit my failings, ask for forgiveness - he can't and won't forgive me. Were my "sins" so much more unforgivable? Then I hear "he's sick, he's impaired, he's MLC, he's this/that" - all I know right now is he is HAPPY WITHOUT ME! And it kills me. What don't I get here? My SIL emailed me today and said that she had talked to H and hoped that I could "cope with the decision he has made and go further with your lives in a way that is good for you both and the kids"

This means you must start at least acting as if you accept his choices and are not Stuck. She's telling you to move on and even if it's just an act, do it. "Standing" does not mean standing around waiting. You seem to be very focussed on MLC issues and asking a lot of questions that have no answers. I urge you to stop asking things that have no answer. I seriously doubt your h knows why he is doing what he is doing. The fact that he's changed the past 6 years means, he's changed. So don't try to mind read.

I think the idea that it's MLC gives some people hope that their situation has a higher chance of recon and I don't know if that's even true. I DO KNOW that my single biggest regret in looking back, is how much time I wasted asking questions like you are asking. I wracked my brain wondering what had happened to my h and what he was thinking/feeling/doing, etc. But once he was out, It should have ALL been about ME creating a new life for myself and my kids regardless of what H was doing. Otherwise I was giving someone else the power to choose MY happiness. Fact is, we are in charge of our own happiness. No one else is.

Besides, in my case, If all h saw was pain and hurt at home, well, who misses that? Finally I went on a Serious trip with the kids (not going to be alone on our anniversary) and we had such a great time. Best money I ever borrowed! Point was, we WERE and ARE a family whether my h is there or not. This was a turning point for me and in reality, a turning point for my h as well. IT was NOT done as a tactic. But h knew we were having a ball and he was on his own. Not with his w and kids in a new country exploring...oh well, HIS loss. Once h saw that HE was the one "missing out" on family life and fun, I suspect things in his life began to clear up for him. Give yourself and your children a happy home and coincidentally give your h something to miss.
To cope would mean I would have to understand why he feels the way he does - why he has done the things he has done. God I don't want to feel this hurt anymore!

No. Coping does NOT mean you have to understand how HE feels or why he has done anything. ALL that you have to do is cope with the fact that your h is, for all intents and purposes, in the Australian bush and you cannot reach him for the foreseeable future. PLEASE Stop thinking you have to "get" this to move on with your life. You don't .You do NOT need to know, let alone understand, all this stuff. Put a "stop sign" in your head every time the image of your h comes up in your mind until your T or your personal work allows you to move forward and deal with him from a postion of strength.

I do not think you seem strong to your son when he asks you to stay away from his dr appt b/c your son knows merely being around your h is too painful for you. You are giving your h so much power, really all of it. Re read Brooklyn's advice. Detach, go dark and heal yourself. It really IS a choice.
Life is short and your children are watching.

You do realize you are modelling for them what to do when THEY face a big setback or heartbreak. And they will be heartbroken or betrayed someday in life too. Are you going to show them that their pain is eternal? It's NOT! Are you going to show them that it's fatal? It's NOT....choose to be happy and that begins with honest gratitude which may mean volunteering at a soup kitchen or reading about the 3rd world problems so rampant today. Years ago I was hospitalized while pregnant and felt pretty sorry for myself. I saw the moon in the window and felt some sort of "solidarity" with other pregnant women in the world who might be looking at the moon right then too. Then it hit me. How much better my world was then theirs. I was in a hospital and would give birth in one, with a doctor there. Most women in the world don't give birth in hospitals. Some of them had no shelter. Some of those women had no husbands, or didn't know where they were or if they would return to their village alive.

We are women in this century, thank God. We are in a nation where we can worship as we wish; no one is closing our church or temple or synagogue. No one is shooting at us, or taking our sons and husbands to join their new "army". No one is raping us or our daughters, and we are free to work where we can be hired.

You have a home, not just a shack. It won't collapse in a rain. There is food in your kitchen; it's in a refrigerator run with electricity.There will be food there tomorrow. None of your children has a deadly disease or disability. You have a JOB! It doesn't suck.

So...your h left you and is now in a R with OW. Well Irish, I know that hurts. But I hope in the grand scheme of things you can see that this is survivable. AND you can be happy and loving again. (And loved)


I got some great advice from my db coach. Here's what I learned.
If there's a chance for your h to come back, imo, it'd be by contrasting the negative images he's created to justify leaving, with positives. So if you're acting sad and co dependent or needy, it's not working. Do the 180's now and (plus it will help your kids to see this) contrast with positives.
Be upbeat, positive, busy with your new life. You can be resigned to his tragic choices and act as if you accept them as final (UNTIL if and when he changes his mind). HE might. He might not. Since you'll be moving on it won't matter to you. Do NOT fall into the mistaken notion that if you act confident and content with your life that your h will somehow let go of the M. that's like saying your approach is working? So why not be an attractive strong woman with her act together, who is also the happy mother of his children, who has a home that is not 'in disrepair" but is warm and loving and comfortable? Whatever has to be fixed in the home, is both your responsibilities to some extent.

Try to talk to a DB coach. The anger probably isn't good to show your h but I can't tell if everyone is telling you that b/c you've been a borderline doormat or what. But the DB coaches are so helpful & specific, that if I could only do ONE thing to save my m, it'd be talking to them. Have you talked to them? And what do you think of the DB books and going dark and last resort and backing off and detaching? What things have you done to move in that direction?

What are YOUR 180's? What are you doing to GAL? What can you do to reassure your children that you will ALL survive as a family, no matter what b/c you will see to that?

I've been where you are and it sucks. But only you can get yourself out of this place. Think hard about that.
Good luck,
j