How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks all,

KEM, I found it so difficult to do what's counterintuitive; it took me more than 5 months, to be honest, to get to the stage where I even began to catch on. I never really begged and implored much, but kept sending little signals to neutralize any coldness I'd shown. I felt it was leaving the door ajar, and maybe it was, but he's been showing signs of wanting to keep me at arm's length and keep me down and yet keep me on "standby". It's only quite recently, after the ultimate slap in the face of being told he no longer considers me as his wife and is fine as he is (we're married, no official documents, it's called a de-facto separation here)that I've stopped answering texts or even initiating communication. Before that, I never phoned, but did send texts about the kids; now I only answer when it's urgent for them, or leave a "have gun will travel" note to give essential kid-info. I'm dust when he arrives, turn my phone off. And gues who's phoning up? Guess who sends texts with "kisses" (one or two)? Ok, he phoned to know about homework (but could have dropped by to get the missing copybook while I was at work) and to tell me he'd sweep the chimney himself (!) one of these days ( previously, I was to get in a sweep). And when I don't pick up, he rings again. The content is very businesslike on my part and I put an end to the conversation, or else just reply with a laconic text message. I still think it feels tough and bitchy and harsh, it's not like me. But the rôles are reversed, for one reason or another, he's the one contacting me. And I'm as sure as can be that if I caved in right now and sent him a message, I'd either get no answer or some high-handed piece of ice in return to put me in my place.So I'm not going there.
The only problem with all this is that I am starting to feel detached from him, to look speculatively at other men, to imagine an ever after without him. I'm afraid I'll lose the love I had for him. I used to respect and admire him, those feelings have gone to sleep after the way his behaviour has affected me. I've tried to separate the man from the deeds (infidelity, nastiness, physical and moral rejection, criticism and denigration of all I am and have done and been), to keep the love alive, but I was heading for a breakdown that way. It was detach or drown. I chose life, but am afraid that if he does decide to return, I won't be able to trust or love or respect him again. Especially as he doesn't seem to want to reflect on his part in things, maintains that he's feeling great and the past is forgotten. To him, he's in the right all the way. He's lost contact with his eldest, his mother and other members of his family. But he's still in the right.

I'm moving on with life, getting used to being alone, gaining independence, but it's a dark and lonely road at times.
Is it normal to feel all that immense love fading away like this? or would I be able to rekindle it if things went for the better? Moping and pining were wearing me out physically. I wanted to feel and act like a human being and woman again. For myself and for my children, who are in better spirits now I'm calmer and outwardly impervious.

He'd have to be sorry about the affair, be attracted and attentive, take my feelings into account and get rid of some of that pride and arrogance before I'd even think about patching things up. Am I being totally unrealistic?

Giving vent to the myriad feelings that cross each other in my head through this site is a great help. Also seeing how others are doing, though I can advise, but can't take advice so well.
I'll read your story. But, yes, becoming a tough customer seems to shift things, especially if you've been a nice, deferential pleaser and appeaser like I've been. That's not saying I was Mother Teresa, far from it. Probably such a yes-woman that I lost all flavour. Afraid to defend my own ideas and tastes, so I forgot what they were and reaped the last thing I'd wanted to sow: a husband with a PA and his suitcases packed. Good luck in your situation.
NCU